By Stockton

We are pleased to report good news on the Culture War Front. The forces of Secular Extremism are, while not completely routed, in retreat. The Good News:

1. According to Texas Senator John Cornyn, there have been no documented cases of Man - Box Turtle marriages for the entire year to date;

2. According to the office of Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, no one has tried to marry a dog in 2006 (there is no data for North Dakota);

3. Sales of wife-beater t-shirts are up 18%;

4. Nascar ticket sales are on the rise;

5. Literacy is down, 3%;

6. Assaults on Santa's Elves is at an all-time low.*

Not everything on the Culture War Front is rosy. Terry Schiavo is still dead and at least 49 states still allow the Theory of Evolution to be taught in science class.

So, saddle-up! We still have work to do!

*In fact, this year, only one elf, Jeepers, was injured during an attack. That injury occurred during a bar fight with the Easter Bunny

By Tweed

Virginia Senator George Allen has again been forced to deny aspects of his racist past in his heated campaign to retain his seat.

Recent reports indicate that Allen used the "N" word while playing football for the University of Virginia. Allen cut short a speech at a Klan Rally to rush back to the Capitol to address the allegations.

"I never used the "N" word," stated Allen during a campaign stop in Culpepper, Virginia, "I distinctly recall my spic friend using that word, and some of the wops, but I always referred to the coloreds as 'Mud People.' It was all in good fun."

Allen spots two waiters with suspicious skin-tones

Senator Allen has also been blamed for the decline in Jewish-African-American relations.

In related news, Stockton & Tweed's Smorgasblog was not cited by David Frum as interjecting anti-semetism into the Virginia Senate race, despite their desperate plea to be included.

We thank Mr. Frum for his careful review and approval of our site.

Area Klan leader, Wilbur Mazourek may soon see his life's work jeopardized. Mazourek, 33, is not like many Klansman. Eschewing rallies and protests, Mazourek has spent the last twelve years compiling his "Race Grade" system. "I don't get out much," admitted Mazourek.

Mazourek's Race Grade system is an attempt to categorize and rank races and ethnicity.

"It started out fine," confided Mazourek. "Aryans on top. Blacks on the bottom. Alls I was going to do was fill in the rest. Then I really started thinking."

Jews become Mazourek's first stumbling block. "Jus' where do I put them buggers, above or below blacks? And not all blacks are the same, either. Michael Jordan was pretty cool. Almost like a white guy. Will Smith is pretty funny. But then there's fellas like Vernon Jordan."

After deep soul-searching, Mazourek opted to place Jews above Blacks: "But just barely," cautioned Mazourek. "There's just fewer. Plus, my old boss was an Aryan and he was an asshole. My new boss, Mr. Steinberg, he's actually OK once you get to know him. Come to find out, he don't smell funny or eat babies."

Mazourek has approached his project without any bias. Despite his father immigrating from Lebanon in 1954, Mazourek has awarded the Lebanese a low ranking. "If you knew Daddy, you'd know why."

Mazourek's real problem lies in ranking the Europeans. "Take the Poles. They're Slavs so they should rank low, but they also hate Jews. See, I told you it was a problem. The Italians are a tough case too. They got their lighter skinned Italians in the north, who should rank pretty high and you got the darker types in Sicily who should rank low. Problem is, if Louie Scarano, down at Big Louie's ever found out what I think of Sicilians, he'd kick my ass."

Mazourek had no doubts about who won the top slot: "Easy, the Aryans. That's a no-brainer."

When Mazourek does complete his elaborate ranking system, he plans to celebrate with a trip to Aryania.

Mazourek can be heard Sunday at 4:00PM, at the Bowl & Dine in East Hamlin, where he gives weekly spheches.

Editors

Recent news has rocked a closely-watched senate race. Monday, Virginia Senator and 2008 presidential hopeful George Allen discovered that he is Jewish. Allen's mother, the former Esther Rubenstein of Halesite, Long Island, had kept her religion a closely guarded secret from her own family.

On Tuesday, Allen addressed the press for the first time since the discovery. Surrounded by family, friends and the Allen Family Mohel, Allen issued a brief statement:

"Having recently been informed that I belong to the Jewish tribe, I'd ask the goyim press for a schtikel of time so our family can deal with this tragedy with some dignity. I will not be taking any questions."

In a bizarre twist, this morning, in a tearful statement to the press, Virginia's most prominent Jew admitted to being the junior Republican Senator from Virginia:

"Vaht, Vaht! You killing me vit dese questions already. OK, yes, its true, yes, I'm duh junior Republican Senator from Virginia - there I said it. Are you happy now you, with all your scribblings? Did you get that deary? I said Senator from Virginia. You hoyd me OK just then? Good, now vhere's Kenny wit my bagel."

Shortly after his statement this morning, Allen joined the Anti Defamation League and filed a formal complaint with the Allen campaign claiming that Allen's use of the term "maccaca" was offensive.

By Tweed




Virginia Senator George Allen, during the extended interview with Liberal smear-monger Tim Russert and his opponent, Jim Webb, refrained from making a single racial slur during the entirety of the program. Allen's stunning display is destined to lock-up his re-election campaign and has sent Webb's campaign into a tailspin.

"We're thrilled," gushed Allen campaign advisor Vince Lee, "not one kike, wop, halfrican, spic, darkie, towel-head, niggra', macaca, kraut, saboo, or nothin!"

Senator Webb's campaign insiders say that headquarters had been counting on at least one slip from Allen to ensure victory. "Not even a "wet-back" when he was talking about his gardener. This is bad."

Pundits say that Allen's ability to refrain from racial epithet's in public could lock this one up in the conservative Old Dominion. Others point to some of Allen's comments as providing room for a nuanced analysis that clearly demonstrates his racist tendencies. Niel Jefferson points to this statement as one subject to that sort of interpretation:

"You know, Tim, I think our troops in the middle-east are doing a great job, because we're not that different. From what I've seen from TV, your average A-rab doesn't look much different from your average Eyetalian - and we got some of them makin' pizzas in Fairfax, but we gotta keep an eye on them, you know. It's not like we're in Niger (am I saying that right?) where, you know, they're different. . . you know."

Most agree that using such comments as evidence of Allen's racism would be difficult in an election.

After the interview, Allen did confess that he has felt pressure of late. "I was as nervous as a jigaboo at a Klan rally. Just glad I could pull it off."

By Stockton




West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd admitted yesterday that his entire political career has been focused on one overriding goal: getting the fuck out of West Virginia.

Byrd was first elected to the House of Representatives in 1876 and later moved on to the Senate in 1898. He is running for his 20th term of office.

Byrd made the admission in an interview with West Virginia’s Trailer Park Today, a monthly periodical.

During the interview, Byrd spoke eloquently and passionately about his beloved home and the issues affecting West Virginia.

Byrd, on retirement:

“To what? Retire to what? I’ve made it my life’s mission to stay out of that third-world hell hole. Why would I want to go back there to retire."

Byrd, on healthcare and good neighbors:

“We’re talking about a state that has an official disease. I’ve got nothing against Rickets as far as diseases go but you just have to see my neighbors. The guy next door, he’s twenty-two and he looks ten years older than me."


Byrd's neighbor, 22 year-old Harry Wood,recently graduated from the University of WestVirginia.


Byrd, on education:

"Education? People here think 7th grade is post-graduate work."


Byrd, on the environment:

“And that Blue Ridge, Mountain Mama crap! Great, if you want a nasty bout of Black Lung. And the last ‘Mountain Mama’ I saw looked like she had a Wookie in a thigh-lock. Buy a god damned razor."

Byrd, on unfinished Senate business:

“For the love of god, vote for me one last time so I can die in D.C.”

The interview ended with Senator Byrd thanking his constituents for the honor of serving them in the Senate.

By Tweed

The Bush administration announced significant progress in the normalization of the situation in Iraq. With the smell of Tabssi and date filled pastry in the air, the new national baseball league opened the season with a double header at Haliburton Field in downtown Iraq, as the Baghdad Bedouins faced the Tikrit Fatwas*

The action started quickly, as the Bedouins opened-up a six-run lead in the bottom of the first inning. A routine ground-ball turned into a stand-up double for lead-off hitter Akmed el Sharazad as second baseman Terk Kelmeni al Sein was distracted by a female spectator's showing of her ankle to the entire stadium. Play resumed after the stoning, and the Bedouins scored six runs as Fatwa left fielder Sidhair Kazoolt was mangled by a land mine.

The six runs was enough for Bedouin pitcher Ali al Seinham, who scattered six hits through nine innings, and gave up only one run. al Seinham awed the Fatwas with a combination of split-finger fastballs, a huge curve and a few IADs strategically placed along the first-base line. Crafty south-paw, Khalid "Jimmy" Fakkad, starting pitcher for the Fatwas, gave up six earned runs through four innings before detonating himself.

After the game, al Seinham said he felt very comfortable all day, and credited the scattered rifle shots from right field with keeping the Fatwa hitters off-balance.

The second game went to the Fatwas, but in a closer match. The Fatwas opened an assault in the top of the third with four well-placed hits and mortar fire. After scoring two, the Fatwas denied the Bedouins attempt to score a run in the bottom of the third as catcher Ali Sunni gunned down Bedouins baserunner Ali Shee as he tried to steal third. After Ali Shee's blood was thoroughly mixed with the infield sand, played resumed, but the Beouins failed to score a run. The Fatwas scored two more runs in the fifth and sixth innings, but the game was called in the seventh, on account of flying shrapnel.

After the game Bedouin pitcher Khaled Sistannhi received terrible treatment at the hands of the Bedouin fans, who threw rocks at him every inning after the third. Manager Moudi Rachmanni used the team cleaver to chop off Sistannhi's pitching hand as punishment for the poor outing.

After the game, four sports writers were kidnapped.

Bedouin catcher Elmud Ibn Izir went 3 -4 withtwo RBI's, a stolen base, severe lacerations to bothlegs, a grade I trimalleolar fracture and a life threateningconcussion. He's expected to be back in the lineup on Thursday.

Both the Iraqi and American governments hope to use the success of opening day as a sign of the progress that has been made in Iraq.



* The Fatwas original name chosen by US forces was the Towel-Heads, but was changed shortly before the season opened after the third day of rioting in Tikrit.

By Tweed

Stockton and I agree on many things. One of those things is baseball. We agree baseball is a game. We also agree that baseball books are hit or miss. I've just finished "A Pitcher's Story: Innings with David Cone" by Roger Angell and, pardon the irony, but, it's definitely a hit.

Roger Angell followed David Cone through the 2000 season with the World Series winning New York Yankees, and had access to Cone, his teammates and former teammates. Originally conceived as a book about an aging master continuing to figure out how to win as age works its undeniable effects on a pitching arm, Cone's uncharacteristic 4-14 season turned the book into something better. The trials and tribulations of Cone's 2000 season are used as a backdrop to a review of Cone's remarkable career.

David Cone is an interesting figure. While Cone does not rank with the truly great pitchers of his era - Roger Clemens and Greg Maddux, notably - he was very good for many years and had a few tremendous years. Cone is a Cy Young award winner and a Hutch award winner for his determination and grit. Cone was a strikeout pitcher, usually on the leader-board in this category and had numerous high strikeout games (including 19 against the Phillies with the threat of arrest hanging over his head - but more on that later). Cone was a big-game pitcher, winning many crucial games (game 3 of the 1996 world series is my favorite (sorry Steve)) and pitched the elusive perfect game (with Don Larsen and Yogi Berra watching) at Yankee Stadium.

A fierce competitor, and, by most accounts, a leader and valued teammate, Cone suffered, as most pitchers do, from a myriad of injuries. Unlike many baseball players, Cone was able to survive, and even thrive, in the tough New York market, as both a member of the Mets and the Yankees. A fierce competitor who thrived under pressure, Cone, like many pitchers, hated being pulled from games. There is a particularly good passage regarding this:

It's game 3 of the 1996 World Series; the Yankees have lost the first two games to the Atlanta Braves. They are in Atlanta, and must win the game to avoid an unthinkable 0 -3 deficit in the series. Cone starts game 3:

"Cone, with eleven days' rest, established himself early in the game. . . .
Leading the Braves' Tom Glavine by 2-0 in the sixth, he gave up a walk and a
bloop, and, with one out, walked Chipper Jones, to load the bases. This produced
Joe Torre from the dugout, and a mound conference that has become embronzed in
Yankee memory, like a war memorial. Seizing his pitcher by the hips, Torre pulls
David close, inches away from his stare, and says, "This is important. You've got to tell me the truth." . . . . "I'm all right," Cone says, a little startled. "I'm fine. I can get these guys, believe me."

Candor and resolution flow out of him. Who wouldn't go with a guy like this? Torre nods at last, touches his shoulder, and retires. "I trusted David Cone," he says later. "He's the toughest player to read I've ever had because he always expects to do
well."

"I lied," Cone says. "I had to make him believe my lie."

Of course, Cone went on to win the game, and the Yankees came back to win the series 4 -2.

But unlike some players, concerned only with their own individual statistics, Cone worked for the team to win games - which is how he dislocated his shoulder.

Away from baseball, Cone's career was, shall we say, controversial. Cone came up with the Royals but was traded to the Mets early in his career - one of those "I can't believe I traded him for this schmuck" deals. With the Mets, Cone pitched tremendously, but also made page 6 more frequently than Paris Hilton's thong. Not that Cone was the ringleader of that wild bunch - but he certainly didn't back away from the challenges of stardom and groupies. These adventures included charges of inappropriate behavior including an accusation of rape - a charge not followed-up by the police because of inconsistencies in the complainant's story.

But Cone was also one of the player association representatives during the strike and, by all accounts, was a masterful advocate. He is also viewed by his colleagues as a leader, and a player willing to make the extra effort to make life easier for his teammates.

And Angell brings all this out - Cone, warts and all, as he struggles to figure out his 2000 season.

I've not always been a David Cone fan - I was never a Mets fan, and never appreciative of the lack of self-control of those guys. But Cone grew on me as his career lengthened. Cone came to the park everyday to play, and to play to win. I watched him return from injury (his masterful come-back after his anneurysm surgery was stunning) and sat on the edge of my seat as he achieved perfection.

This is a remarkably well-written book, and provides a glimpse into the life of a pitcher. If you have an interest in what it is to be a major league ball player, this is a good book to read.

By Stockton

ABC has decided that it may re-edit portions of it's controversial 9/11 mini-series due to claims that the production takes serious liberties with the actual events leading up to and including the attacks.

Among the scenes that may be edited or cut are the following:

1) Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is informed that a third plane hijacked by terrorists has been diverted and is heading towards Pennsylvania air space. Rumsfeld quickly commandeers an F-16 fighter, intercepts the plane, ejects from the cockpit, lands on the plane, enters the plane, and dispatches the terrorists. Unfortunately, the plane still crashes but Rumsfeld is miraculously thrown clear of the crash.

ABC executive Tom Reynolds claims that while there is no definitive proof that this episode occurred, there is not proof that it did not.

2) In another scene, Bush, upon hearing of the attack, races back to the White House and personally takes command of a White House surface-to-air missile battery. "The White House might be attacked one day," says Bush, "but it won't be today!"

ABC admitted that the foregoing scenerio is conjecture. Nonetheless, it remains the most likely theory explaining Bush's mysterious disappearance in the hours after the attack.

3) The menage-a-trois scene featuring Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowtiz and Condi Rice may be cut from the series as too graphic and disturbing.

From ABC's 9/11 - President Bush (right) organizes White House defenseswhile inspiring the troops

By Stockton

In response to repeated calls for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's resignation, the Whitehouse fired back, declaring:

"The president strongly supports the defense secretary. It's not going to happen," White House spokesman Tony Snow told reporters, referring to Democratic calls to dump Rumsfeld. "Creating Donald Rumsfeld as a bogeyman may make for good politics but would make for a very lousy strategy at this time," Snow said.

Before moving to a station break, Snow went on to say that the only time the Defense Secretary scares President Bush is when Rumsfeld walks into a cabinet meeting and "does his Darth Vader voice."

However, White House insiders did admit that Bush has been overheard saying that he is, "Ascared of Rummy sometimes." One aide admitted that Bush once soiled himself when Rumsfeld became angry. "But it's been awhile since that happened," added the aide, "and in all fairness, it was after a major coke binge."

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld demonstratinghis strategy for winning in Iraq

Editors

The Editors* of Smorgasblog would like to thank:

Our old friend Jen at Audacity (and it only took eight months);

A new link from American Zombie, thanks;

And last, but not least, Your Right Hand Thief and Silly Humans for the support. At least someone recognizes brilliance when they see it.

All of you have demonstrated your extraordinary level of class and taste. We recommend your blogs to our readers but frankly, you are our readers.

Thanks!

* The opinions expressed here are not necessarily those the editors and are not to be construed as an endorsement of same.

By Stockton

Famed Crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin, is dead.

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the "Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called "Ocean's Deadliest" when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous barb on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said. "He came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart," said Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time.

Friends are understandably shocked at the unexpected death of the Australian. "I never thought it would end this way," said one grief-stricken colleague. "When a guy spends his life jumping onto deadly predators you don't expect this type of thing to happen."

In related news, John Mark Karr released the following statement from Boulder, Colorado:

"I was with Steve Irwin when he died. It was an accident. I loved him very much."

By Stockton

On Friday, Virginia Senator and Presidential hopeful George Allen declined a Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund Community Leadership Award when donors threatened to withhold funding.

Allen's decision came almost three weeks after he singled out a Virginia-born college student of Indian descent in a mostly white crowd at a campaign rally and twice applied the name"Macaca" to him. Macaca is a genus of monkeys that includes macaques, and is also considered a racial slur in some parts of the world.

Senator Allen (right) with a non-Macaca
"It is with great sadness that I decline this award," said Allen. "I realize that my remarks may have hurt some and I apologize. I would like to thank all the darkies and 'Halfricans' who know me and stand by me at this black hour."