Editors

Recent news has rocked a closely-watched senate race. Monday, Virginia Senator and 2008 presidential hopeful George Allen discovered that he is Jewish. Allen's mother, the former Esther Rubenstein of Halesite, Long Island, had kept her religion a closely guarded secret from her own family.

On Tuesday, Allen addressed the press for the first time since the discovery. Surrounded by family, friends and the Allen Family Mohel, Allen issued a brief statement:

"Having recently been informed that I belong to the Jewish tribe, I'd ask the goyim press for a schtikel of time so our family can deal with this tragedy with some dignity. I will not be taking any questions."

In a bizarre twist, this morning, in a tearful statement to the press, Virginia's most prominent Jew admitted to being the junior Republican Senator from Virginia:

"Vaht, Vaht! You killing me vit dese questions already. OK, yes, its true, yes, I'm duh junior Republican Senator from Virginia - there I said it. Are you happy now you, with all your scribblings? Did you get that deary? I said Senator from Virginia. You hoyd me OK just then? Good, now vhere's Kenny wit my bagel."

Shortly after his statement this morning, Allen joined the Anti Defamation League and filed a formal complaint with the Allen campaign claiming that Allen's use of the term "maccaca" was offensive.