Friday, July 21, 2006


By Stockton

President Bush exercised his veto-power for the first time by nixing the embryonic research bill, which would have provided funding for stem-cell research.

"The simple answer is he thinks murder's wrong," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "The president is not going to get on the slippery slope of taking something living and making it dead for the purposes of scientific research."

Mr. Snow then went on to detail over a hundred years of rat/mouse mass murder in scientific death camps.

Stem cell research has proved promising in treating diseases, including Alzheimer's. However, the President has not turned his back on fighting disease. According to a White House Science expert and Professor of Contemporary American Religion at Liberty Unirversity, Hollis Lundgren, the fight against disease will be continued and will be funded.

"Currently, stem cell research has been a dead end," said Lundgren. "The President has promised however that funding for alternative treatment will be provided to research programs such as ours."

Lundgren is currently working on a theory that diseases such as Alzhiemer's are caused by tiny Gnomes or Demons that attach themselves to vital organs.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


By Stockton

WASHINGTON (AFP) - A Defense Department document discovered by University of California researchers identifies homosexuality as a "mental disorder," a classification which has raised the ire of lawmakers, who are urging the
Pentagon to withdraw it.

Directive 1332.38, on "physical disability evaluation," includes homosexuality in a list of "mental disorders," along with mental retardation and personality disorders.

The November 1996 document was re-certified as "current" in 2003, according to the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

The classification was subsequently revised:

"Homosexuality should not have been characterized as a mental disorder in an appendix of a procedural instruction," Lt. Col. Jeremy Martin, a Defense Department spokesman, said Wednesday. "A clarification will be issued over the next few days."

Homosexuality is now classified as a bacterial infection that can be treated with a course of Prayer Therapy.

The last time the Pentagon made such a revision was in 1951 when 'Negro' was removed from the class of mental disorders.

Monday, July 10, 2006


A dispatch from our embedded reporter at the front:

Albany, NY July 7, 2006

This past week, Allied Forces scored two decisive victories in the War on Marriage, on two different fronts. Both New York State and Georgia rejected same-sex marriage.

The outcome in Georgia was fairly certain but the victory in New York is being hailed by defenders of traditional marriage as a crushing blow to the insurgents.

"We struck deep into the heart of Blue territory," said one Allied commander. "It was like the confederacy and Gettysburg. Only this time the good guys won."

New York and New England, the so-called Blue Triangle, has been a thorn in the side of traditional marriage. A skirmish in Vermont a few years ago resulted in Civil Unions. Later, guerrillas in Massachusetts routed Allied Forces, leaving homo-fascists in de facto control of the entire state.

"It's rugged country in New England," said one Allied soldier. "Tough to get a toe-hold. Just ask the British."

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Archival footage of Allied Soldier retreating from Massachusetts

In New York, victory came after months of brutal combat, much of it house to house, in and around Albany. According to intelligence reports, Anti-Marriage forces have retreated to Greenwich Village.

The most severe fighting occurred near the NY State Court of Appeals building, where a fanatical squad of interior decorators held off wave after wave of Allied attacks for hours before they were subdued. The insurgents were armed with light hairdryers.

Reverend Hobart Holcomb, Commander of the Allied Forces, addressed the nation after the astounding victory in New York.

"We have won a mighty victory for the forces of decency. But we must stay vigilant. We cannot rest for our enemy does not rest. When we stop to pray, they are sodomizing each other. When we rest or seek sustenance, they are playing show tunes. Tonight, we can rest easy but tomorrow the fight must continue."

For now though, even in New York, 'Pee-Pee's' can marry only 'Hoo-Hoo's.'

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Allied soldiers march through Albany

This reporter remains humbled by the courage and dedication of our men and women in uniform. Each soldier I have met feels that this is a great and glorious cause. They do not regret putting their lives on hold to ensure that our American way of life continues. As Lance Corporal Edward Sturdivant (Holcomb, Alabama), who enlisted with five half-brothers and seven step-brothers, told me:

"Daddy was married six times and I'd just hate to think that none of those marriage vows he swore before God meant anything."

(Stockton is embedded with the 32nd Armored Division. He can be reached at

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


By Stockton

Casey: U.S. Forces in Iraq to Shrink
By LOLITA C. BALDOR, Associated Press Writer Fri Jun 23, 3:27 AM ET

The top U.S. commander in Iraq predicted on Thursday that the size of the U.S. fighting force will shrink this year, although he said he had not made new recommendations to his Pentagon bosses on the size and timing of any cuts.

Casey did not spell out specifics, but sources close to the Pentagon say that each U.S. soldier now serving in Iraq will be shrunk from between ten to twelve inches.

"Smaller soldiers will save us food and water because....well...they'll be smaller and eat less. We'll also be able to put more on each transport and, of course, they'll make smaller targets," said one Pentagon official.

It is not known if there will be a corresponding shrinkage in the weapons used by the smaller soldiers.

Although the exact procedure is classified, military physicians have assured the Defense Department that the shrinking procedure is relatively painless and can be performed on an out-patient basis.

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