Tuesday, January 02, 2007


When Harry Flick opened his mailbox two weeks ago to retrieve his copy of Time Magazine he was floored by the news magazine's cover story.

"I couldn't believe it," said Flick, a 38 year-old graduate student. "They didn't even give me a heads-up or anything. Me, Time's Man of the Year!"

Flick was so excited he immediately telephoned his parents. "I forgot about the three-hour time difference though," admitted Flick. "Dad was royally pissed. He said that I wasn't even a man, let alone Time's Man of the Year, because I still don't have a driver's license."

Flick's euphoria quickly faded over the next few hours, however.

"I had a real heart-to-heart with myself," said Flick. "I couldn't help wondering, why me? I mean, I do have some pretty remarkable accomplishments. In college I made the biggest rubber-band ball in the tri-city area. I also have the most extensive library of Charlie's Angel's episodes ever recorded on Beta-Max. That something. Still, I don't know if I'm worthy of it all."

Flick confided that he's not sure the recognition is all it's cracked-up to be. "I sat around all that day expecting phone calls; from the press; from friends and family. No one called."

Flick's friend, Derrick Newsome, a co-recipient, has no such confusion over the award.

"Fuck, yeah," said Newsome. "Harry may not think he deserves it but I sure as hell do."

Newsome credits his blog, "Derrick's Own Blog," as the reason for being named Man of the Year. "It's an awesome blog," said Newsome, who admits he hasn't updated the blog in months. "I developed a system for teaching people Elvish, you know, Tolkien's Elvish from the Lord of the Rings? And not just Sindarin either but both forms of Elvish."

Newsome's biggest thrill was the fact that his self-proclaimed nemesis, author J.K Rowling, hasn't won the coveted award. Newsome has devoted hundreds of hours e-mailing the Harry Potter author, pointing out various inconsistencies in her works, especially in the field of apparition.

"J.K. - fucking - Rowling hasn't won yet," noted Newsome, "even though she may be single-handedly responsible for getting an entire generation of children interested in reading. All those kids, waiting in line at midnight to by her stinking books....fuck her!"

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