By Stockton




West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd admitted yesterday that his entire political career has been focused on one overriding goal: getting the fuck out of West Virginia.

Byrd was first elected to the House of Representatives in 1876 and later moved on to the Senate in 1898. He is running for his 20th term of office.

Byrd made the admission in an interview with West Virginia’s Trailer Park Today, a monthly periodical.

During the interview, Byrd spoke eloquently and passionately about his beloved home and the issues affecting West Virginia.

Byrd, on retirement:

“To what? Retire to what? I’ve made it my life’s mission to stay out of that third-world hell hole. Why would I want to go back there to retire."

Byrd, on healthcare and good neighbors:

“We’re talking about a state that has an official disease. I’ve got nothing against Rickets as far as diseases go but you just have to see my neighbors. The guy next door, he’s twenty-two and he looks ten years older than me."


Byrd's neighbor, 22 year-old Harry Wood,recently graduated from the University of WestVirginia.


Byrd, on education:

"Education? People here think 7th grade is post-graduate work."


Byrd, on the environment:

“And that Blue Ridge, Mountain Mama crap! Great, if you want a nasty bout of Black Lung. And the last ‘Mountain Mama’ I saw looked like she had a Wookie in a thigh-lock. Buy a god damned razor."

Byrd, on unfinished Senate business:

“For the love of god, vote for me one last time so I can die in D.C.”

The interview ended with Senator Byrd thanking his constituents for the honor of serving them in the Senate.