By Stockton

Colorado authorities have dropped all charges against John Mark Karr in the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, despite Karr's confession. Karr's DNA did not match the DNA found on JonBenet.


Karr, showing us his 'sane' look.
Karr was detained a few weeks ago in Bangkok, Thailand and admitted to accidentally assaulting and garroting Ramsey on Christmas night ten years ago.

Boulder officials grew concerned about the veracity of Karr's confession when he also confessed to killing the entire Russian Royal Family in 1919 (except for Anastasia).

"We hoped it was him," said one Boulder detective. "I mean, just look at the dude. He has to have killed someone at some point. The dude is fucking freaky looking."


Karr is probably best known for his 1979 hit, Cars, done under the name Gary Numan. Karr hopes to begin touring by next summer.

By Stockton

Once again, during troubled times, the Mary, mother of Jesus Christ, has made an appearance. This time, the Blessed Virgin has returned as....chocolate.



Angiano comparing the only known photographof Mary with Chocolate Mary

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. - As a chocolatier to the rich and famous, Martucci Angiano has posed with many celebrities.

But on Thursday she held in her hand a figure that dazzles her more than any Hollywood star: a 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings that workers at her gourmet chocolate company believe bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.

Since the discovery at Bodega Chocolates, Angiano's employees have spent much of their time hovering over the tiny figure, praying and placing rose petals and candles around it.

Dr. Ken Hollington, a professor of Divinity at Liberty University and an expert on divine visitations, was cautiously optimistic. "This has all the hallmarks of a significant event," said Dr. Hollington. "It may be the most significant 'visitation' since the 1983 Drake's Cakes appearance in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It certainly rivals the 1971 'visitation," said Hollington, referring to an episode when Mary appeared in a plate of mashed potatoes, ordered by Buddy Ryan in a Waco, Texas Denny's.

This is not the first time that a divine figure has chosen to appear in the guise of chocolaty goodness. In 1946, the participants of the Last Supper appeared in a Paris Chocolatier's Boutique, retailing for $29.99:



Reactions from the pulpit have been mixed. Reverend Jake Colson, of the First Church of Christ the Avenger in Parma, Alabama, considers it blasphemous. "The Mother of Christ, Mary, a virgin, would never choose to appear in California!"

Willie Brown, Minister of The Last Baptist Church You'll Ever Need, in Troy, Georgia, believes that the appearance is definitive proof that the Holy Family were people of color.

The American Diabetes Foundation has called for an investigation.

A recent Pew Research poll of 5,120 Americans found that 67% of Americans believe that the Kingdom of Rohan is America's closest ally. The survey was conducted from July 22-July 31.

A previous poll conducted in December of 2001 found that 41% of Americans believed the flaxen-haired horseman from the north were our closest ally.

"Rohan has done a lot to improve their image in the eyes of most Americans," said survey conductor Jean Moss. "They've sent two entire eorad's to Iraq, they've ceased trading with Mordor and they've stopped shipments of chain mail to Korea."

According to most observers, the most significant step was casting Saruman out of King Theoden.

Who else does America consider a close ally?

Forest Moon of Endor 51%


Chief Shaman Kzyzckyx of Endor


Ruritania 43%


Crown Prince Rudolf of Ruritania


Grand Duchy of Fenwick 34%


Fenwickian Troops in the Lavendar Zone -Baghdad, Iraq


As for the greatest danger to the nation?


Ape Men from the future 73%


America's challenge for the 21st Century?

Iraq 21%
No photo available

Charlie Holdridge, systems analyst from Hannibal, Missouri 7%




The poll has a +/- error rate of 33%

If you're like Stockton & Tweed, you may have gone through life for years without noticing the cruel state of affairs for today's super-rich youth. You've watched them on television, read about them in the tabloids - but you've ignored their suffering.

Isn't it time for a change?

Thanks to Stockton & Tweed, and other concerned and caring citizens like them, the suffering doesn't need to continue. Won't you join us to help these, the most privileged of our society?

For most of us, the suffering of these youths is nearly unimaginable - but imagine:

* the number of lawyers and accountants that have to be paid for and talked to for the management of trust funds;

* the extreme struggle of finding and attending probate court hearings just to acquire the hundreds of millions left to you;

* trying to explain to the legions of hangers-on that they'll have to delay the rave because of some court procedure that will delay you for hours - and remember, most courts don't allow instant messaging during proceedings; and finally,

* imagine that after all is said and done, having worked through the government red-tape known in this uncaring country as "probate" with the assistance of lawyers and accountants, these poor children have to pay taxes on the transfer of the millions that is theirs!


Trust Fund children try to access portfolio accountson outdated computers-just one of the many obstaclesthey'll face


Well, Stockton & Tweed couldn't stand it any longer, and with the wonderful assistance of Grover Norquist and other caring individuals, they have started an organization to help these forgotten wonders; and we hope you'll join us too:

Give generously, and support: The Donald's Kids



At The Donald's Kids, we help the youth of today's super-rich plan for tomorrow to avoid the pain and heartache. For as little as $70 a day, you'll help us:

* provide strategies for these poor . . . eh . . . uncared for children to convince their parents to engage in high-end generation-skipping wealth transfer strategies to avoid the awesome burden of multi-generational estate tax;

* provide form "just-in-case" pre-nuptial agreements for those trips to Mexico;

* offer "english-to-instant messanging" classes to help these kids to communicate with their lawyers, accountants and chaufers.

Havn't you waited long enough?

Isn't $70 a day worth the possibility of a Paris Hilton hot dog commercial?

Please, email Stockton & Tweed and help support The Donald's Kids.

According to the latest rumors, the LieberMont campaign had an unexpected visitor come to town on behalf of Senator Lieberman. The rumor mill is on high-alert and speculation is rampant. Fortunately for our two readers, you came here.

Smorgasblog has learned that actor Mel Gibson will be making a special guest appearance for Senator Lieberman.

Actor Gibson campaigns for Lieberman

In the past, Gibson has been overheard to say that he finds Senator Lieberman absolutely "Jewtastic!" Today, Mel upped the praise, calling Lieberman, "Jewliscious."

Gibson went on to say that Lieberman, like many of his Jewish friends, is not, NOT, responsible for all the wars in the world and that Lieberman would "probably have been against crucifying Christ."

Mel also referred to Hadassah Lieberman, the Senator's wife, as "Sugar Tits," claiming it's an an old Australian custom.

By Stockton

Support for making English the official language of the United States is growing. Approximately 80% of the nation believes English should be given some type of recognition as the 'official' language of the nation.

Nowhere is support for such a proposition as strong as it is among white, southern Republicans. Luckily, we were able to interview some fine GOP folks down south about this all-important issue.

Cletus Featherstone, a locust breeder from Arkansas, has this to say:

"Ifum gummit do jus one thang, itum sha be makin 'Merican dis lagish."

Hobe Ferris, a soil importer from Eastern Tennessee, said this:

"Gots nuffin' ginst no furners but done wan none comin' here talkin 'Nadian or Mexican talk."

Finally, Jaspar Hollins, crucifix salesman:

"Who ya all callin' a yokel?"