By Stockton

The 2006 mid-term elections have rocked and shocked the nation's fundamentalist movement. Not only did the Democratic Party defeat many of the rights allies in Congress, three statewide initiatives also spelled defeat for the nation's righteous.

In South Dakota, voters defeated an almost total ban on killing babies;

In Missouri, voters voted in favor of stem-cell research;

In Arizona, voters defeated a Marriage Amendment that would ban same-sex marriages.

"Last Tuesday was disastrous," said Ken Waitling, a fundamentalist minister and one of the leaders of the nation's religious conservatives. "It is comparable to 1932, when the National Socialist Party took the Reichstag."

Waitling has warned his parishioners that they will now have to be on guard and protect their families. He suggests building underground shelters not unlike those built in the 1950's during the height of the Cold War.

"We'll need to protect our wives and daughters, now, from the Democrats. Bible burning, flag burning and public, homosexual copulation will now be standard fare. Also, expect to see more assless chaps."

Others, however, seek to learn from the election and modify their positions.

Fundamentalist Minister Howard Malveson has decided to re-evaluate certain positions, including the hard line taken on stem-cell research. "I think it's time we accept that science does have some role in medicine and medical issues. A small one, true. But a role nonetheless."

By Tweed

The Bush administration responded to the GOP's trouncing at the polls on November 7, 2006:

"We think that the Democratic Party is in its death throws," said Vice President Dick Cheney, noting that Trent Lott was easily re-elected in Mississippi.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was more circumspect, noting that the defeat of the insurgent democrats promised to be a "long, hard slog."

Ken Melman, Chairman on of the GOP and one of the architects of Bush's re-election in 2004 claimed that the democrats' recent successes were an indication that the Republican's were winning. "They are lashing out, and are under pressure. If we weren't so successful, if we weren't taking the fight to them. . . of course we'd have fewer casualties."

White House spokesman Tony Snow attempted to back-peddle on some of the White House's earlier predictions about the election results. "We never said. . . the President never predicted that the Republican party would retain control of the House and Senate - he never said that."

Some conservative pundits have even suggested that Tuesday's results were part of a "flypaper" strategy. "Democrats are now flocking to Congress," said one conservative. "Now we'll know where they are and hopefully, more will be drawn to DC. We'd rather fight them here than...or fight them at home....Am I in the right room?"

BREAKING NEWS


This past weekend, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by hanging for crimes against humanity.


The Chief Judge, star of stage and screen, Ben Kingsley said that he had no choice but to sentence Saddam to death. "I'm an actor," said Kingsley, "not a writer. I follow the script."

By Stockton

It was a rocky year for baseball superstar Alex Rodriquez. The Yankee third baseman put up big numbers but came under fire for underproducing in big game situations. Both fans and teammates lost patience with the future Hall of Famer and his troubles continued through a lack-luster 1-for-14 performance in the post season.

The third baseman's fielding (he won numerous Gold Gloves at shortstop) even suffered and many concluded he had a mental rather than physical problem. Rodriquez would not be the first superstar to choke while playing in the Big Apple.

However, Smorgasblog may have discovered the cause of Rodriquez' problems on the field.

According to well placed sources, Rodriquez' difficulties stem from campaign fatigue. Few people have the physical stamina to play everyday for a World Series contender and run for Senate from Tennessee. Yes, Harold Ford Jr. is the Yankees third baseman.

Alex...looking for a second job?