By Stockton

President Bush recently admitted that the Iraq War bore some similarities to the Vietnam War. However, Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum opted for another analogy:

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S."

-- Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), quoted by Salon, likening the Iraq War to the Lord of the Rings.

Questions over the allegory however, still remain. Smorgasblog attempted to get the Republican Senator, now locked in a close battle to retain his senate seat, to clarify his literary allusion at a campaign press conference.

Stockton: Senator, just who are the Hobbits in your scenario?

Santorum: The American people are the Hobbits and we've been successful in having the Eye of Mordor directed away from...

Stockton: Right, Eye of Mordor. But if we are the Hobbits...if Americans are the Hobbits, where is Mount Doom and why are we climbing it?

Santorum: Uhm...Mount Doom...if we're Hobbits we want the Eye....

Stockton: Is it Mount McKinley? Is it your position that Mount McKinley is Mount Doom?

Santorum: Absolutely not. I never said...

Stockton: Is the Bush Administration Mount Doom?

Santorum: No, the Bush Administration...they're like the Council of Elrond....where Aslan and Dumbledore decided to draw a line in the sand and build a Democracy in...

Stockton: Is the President Pippin?

Santorum: More like Gandalf, a wise and...

Stockton: But we're Hobbits, right?

Santorum: Right...and the Eye of....

Stockton: Should a wizard be ruling American Hobbitry? Wouldn't that be like the United Nations ruling the United States, with Gandalf as General Secretary?

Santorum: You're twisting my words. It's people like you that endanger our country. Why would any person oppose violating the Cracks of Mount Doom?

Stockton: Just one more question, Senator: Is traditional marriage Sauron's next target?

Santorum: Fuck You!

By Stockton

With mounting scandals hurting their chances to keep their majorities in both Houses of Congress, the GOP was hit with another headache. Yesterday afternoon, the Conference of American Bishops served the National Republican Committee with an Order to Show Cause.

According to legal papers, the Conference of American Bishops is seeking both declaratory relief as well as money damages for copyright infringement.

"We are asking the Republicans to immediately stop their predatory acts against teen males and to pay damages for each predatory act in the sum of $1,000,000," said a Conference spokesman.

The Bishops allege that they have proprietary rights and interests in any older male - young male contact. "We applied for and received a copyright on such conduct," said the spokesman, "and we intend to enforce all of our legal rights."

Speaker of the House, Denny Hastert (R-Neverland Ranch) could not be reached for comment but a GOP attorney did state that such conduct is in the public domain and they will fight the allegations vigorously.

Arguments will be heard next week.

By Tweed

Micro-Fundamentalist Corp. has announced it's Bible upgrade will be available this week, although additional components are still under development.

The upgrade was necessary after researchers discovered significant errors in nearly all versions of the Bible produced in the west, according to a report by Micro-Fundamentalist working group New Faith Century, a special project, funded through a combination of grants from Liberty University and the US Agency of Faith-Based Initiatives.

"Some of these errors are significant," said programmer manager Robert Evans of Lynchburg, Virginia, "but not surprising when you remember that most Bibles translated into western languages were translated by elite Europeans, like "King" James - king, he actually called himself king when translating the book of the real King. Pretty ironic."

Evans led New Faith Century's team that reviewed the historical record of the last days of Jesus' life. "Turns out," commented Anthony McCormick, one of Evans' programmers, "Jesus was one tough s.o.b. He didn't actually repair that Centurion's ear - in fact, as they were arresting him, Jesus bit the ear off. And the reason Jesus was beaten so badly was because he wouldn't convert from being a Christian to being a Muslim."

According to the Micro-Fundamentalist website, among the corrections are the following:

* Romans had largely converted to Islam by the time of Jesus' birth;

* Jesus was raised Roman Catholic, had a drinking problem (including a minor camel accident that was hushed-up), but was born again about the same time that God told him about his ancestry;

* The Apostles were a well organized para-military team with extensive business experience in the wood and other energy industries;

* Judas was expelled from the Apostles after lying about receiving blow-jobs from a Jewish girl; and

* Judas was the cause of the fall of the Roman Republic, the burning of Rome and the excessive taxes paid by early Christians.

More significant than the corrections to the historical record are the re-translations of some Jesus' sayings.

"The incongruity between the traditional translations of Jesus' words and the actions of today's Christian is what first gave us the idea that these works were off-base," said George Ewell, the director of the project. "It just didn't make any sense - the meek shall inherit the earth - how? It's not like they're out making money."

The Word of God team has kept its work very quiet. But recently, they released one re-translation which they said was based on a careful review of early translations from Hebrew to Aramaic, to Greek to Latin. "Our analysis is 100% accurate - the appropriate translation of Jesus' words is 'do unto others before they do unto you.' It makes perfect sense."

The Word of God team expects their updates to be out in late October.

Editors

Accusations are flying in the wake of the Mark Foley (R-FL) scandal. Foley resigned yesterday after it was revealed that he had been e-mailing and IM'ing underage House pages. Foley's Congressional staff (shown left) are unanimous in defending their boss, saying he's always been kind and attentive.

Now, however, questions have arisen over who was aware of Foley's predilections for young, underage, nubile, slick-with-sweat pages. Those accused of knowing Foley's secret include House Speaker Denny Hastert, Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist and Department of Homeland Security Head, Michael Chertoff.

The details are not pretty.

Recently, various e-mails have surfaced indicating that all three of the above-named leaders had foreknowledge of Foley's penchant for pages.

From: Hastert, Denny
To: Foley, Mark
Date: 1/7/2006
Subject: H.R. 20012

Mark:

Any word on when the above legislation will be leaving the committee for a floor vote?

Big D


From: Foley, Mark
To: Hastert, Denny
Date: 1/8/2006
Subject: H.R. 20012 and young boys

D-Man! Good to hear from you. We'll move on that piece next week.

How was your Christmas vacation? Do you have any pictures of yourself. Please send one. Have you been working out? You looked really good the last time I saw you, and your friend too. Hot!

Do you wear boxers or briefs?

Your special friend :-)


Earlier, in 2005, Secretary Chertoff was the recipient of a memorandum from Congressman Foley as a follow-up to testimony by Chertof:

To: Secretary Chertoff
From: Congressman Foley
Date: August 2, 2005
Subject: Wink/Wink

Mr. Secretary:

Thank you for your testimony yesterday on the subject of airport security measures in the United States.

As a follow-up to your testimony, my committee feels it necessary to request additional information. Please respond to the following:

1. Please describe in detail the methods of cavity searches permitted by the TSA;
2. Please indicate the length of these searches;
3. Please identify how many of these searches involve young men; and
4. With respect to item 3 above, please provide photos (the good ones, not those grainy things you sent last week).

Kindest regards,

Mark Foley


To: Frist, William
From: Candyman@youngboys.net
Date: 3/5/2006
Subject: Healthy Colon Awareness Week for Staffers and Pages

Bill,

Sign me up. I'd like to volunteer


Foley has flown to Neverland for a vacation and was unavailable for comment.