Sunday, October 08, 2006
BIBLE 3.5 UPGRADE NOW AVAILABLE
By Tweed
Micro-Fundamentalist Corp. has announced it's Bible upgrade will be available this week, although additional components are still under development.
The upgrade was necessary after researchers discovered significant errors in nearly all versions of the Bible produced in the west, according to a report by Micro-Fundamentalist working group New Faith Century, a special project, funded through a combination of grants from Liberty University and the US Agency of Faith-Based Initiatives.
"Some of these errors are significant," said programmer manager Robert Evans of Lynchburg, Virginia, "but not surprising when you remember that most Bibles translated into western languages were translated by elite Europeans, like "King" James - king, he actually called himself king when translating the book of the real King. Pretty ironic."
Evans led New Faith Century's team that reviewed the historical record of the last days of Jesus' life. "Turns out," commented Anthony McCormick, one of Evans' programmers, "Jesus was one tough s.o.b. He didn't actually repair that Centurion's ear - in fact, as they were arresting him, Jesus bit the ear off. And the reason Jesus was beaten so badly was because he wouldn't convert from being a Christian to being a Muslim."
According to the Micro-Fundamentalist website, among the corrections are the following:
* Romans had largely converted to Islam by the time of Jesus' birth;
* Jesus was raised Roman Catholic, had a drinking problem (including a minor camel accident that was hushed-up), but was born again about the same time that God told him about his ancestry;
* The Apostles were a well organized para-military team with extensive business experience in the wood and other energy industries;
* Judas was expelled from the Apostles after lying about receiving blow-jobs from a Jewish girl; and
* Judas was the cause of the fall of the Roman Republic, the burning of Rome and the excessive taxes paid by early Christians.
More significant than the corrections to the historical record are the re-translations of some Jesus' sayings.
"The incongruity between the traditional translations of Jesus' words and the actions of today's Christian is what first gave us the idea that these works were off-base," said George Ewell, the director of the project. "It just didn't make any sense - the meek shall inherit the earth - how? It's not like they're out making money."
The Word of God team has kept its work very quiet. But recently, they released one re-translation which they said was based on a careful review of early translations from Hebrew to Aramaic, to Greek to Latin. "Our analysis is 100% accurate - the appropriate translation of Jesus' words is 'do unto others before they do unto you.' It makes perfect sense."
The Word of God team expects their updates to be out in late October.
Micro-Fundamentalist Corp. has announced it's Bible upgrade will be available this week, although additional components are still under development.
The upgrade was necessary after researchers discovered significant errors in nearly all versions of the Bible produced in the west, according to a report by Micro-Fundamentalist working group New Faith Century, a special project, funded through a combination of grants from Liberty University and the US Agency of Faith-Based Initiatives.
"Some of these errors are significant," said programmer manager Robert Evans of Lynchburg, Virginia, "but not surprising when you remember that most Bibles translated into western languages were translated by elite Europeans, like "King" James - king, he actually called himself king when translating the book of the real King. Pretty ironic."
Evans led New Faith Century's team that reviewed the historical record of the last days of Jesus' life. "Turns out," commented Anthony McCormick, one of Evans' programmers, "Jesus was one tough s.o.b. He didn't actually repair that Centurion's ear - in fact, as they were arresting him, Jesus bit the ear off. And the reason Jesus was beaten so badly was because he wouldn't convert from being a Christian to being a Muslim."
According to the Micro-Fundamentalist website, among the corrections are the following:
* Romans had largely converted to Islam by the time of Jesus' birth;
* Jesus was raised Roman Catholic, had a drinking problem (including a minor camel accident that was hushed-up), but was born again about the same time that God told him about his ancestry;
* The Apostles were a well organized para-military team with extensive business experience in the wood and other energy industries;
* Judas was expelled from the Apostles after lying about receiving blow-jobs from a Jewish girl; and
* Judas was the cause of the fall of the Roman Republic, the burning of Rome and the excessive taxes paid by early Christians.
More significant than the corrections to the historical record are the re-translations of some Jesus' sayings.
"The incongruity between the traditional translations of Jesus' words and the actions of today's Christian is what first gave us the idea that these works were off-base," said George Ewell, the director of the project. "It just didn't make any sense - the meek shall inherit the earth - how? It's not like they're out making money."
The Word of God team has kept its work very quiet. But recently, they released one re-translation which they said was based on a careful review of early translations from Hebrew to Aramaic, to Greek to Latin. "Our analysis is 100% accurate - the appropriate translation of Jesus' words is 'do unto others before they do unto you.' It makes perfect sense."
The Word of God team expects their updates to be out in late October.
