Sunday, December 17, 2006


By Editors

Recent reports of the pregnancy of Vice President Vlad "The Impaler" Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary ignited a firestorm of controversy among conservatives. But recent reports and statements by the Cheney's seem to be cooling tempers.

"No science was involved with this conception," said Heather Poe, Mary Cheney's companion. "We prayed a lot - so did the Vice President, and we thank him for that." The Cheney's also deny that any spermatozoa was terminated in the impregnation of their daughter.

While the words of Heather Poe calmed the tempers of some, the Vice President addressed another rumor - that Mary's pregnancy was a new form of terrorist activity.

Said a stoic Vice President Cheney, "we are investigating the circumstances of this event - it's unusual, it's not what you would expect. I have asked both the NSA and the FBI to investigate, and we have been assured by the NSA that no WMDs are suspected of being anywhere near my daughter."

International 'chatter' spiked just prior to the conception.

While exactly how Mary Cheney conceived a child is still a mystery, many in the Christian community believe they have the answer. "It's Christmas, her name is Mary, and she's the daughter of one of God's warriors - this is clearly the second coming," said Joseph Alsop of The Christian Union National Trust.

Others are skeptical. Concerned Woman for America President Beverly Lahaye has called the pregnancy "unconscionable." Says Lahaye, "Such a conception was not in any of my husband Tim's Left Behind books. I think Mary Cheney used the seed of a man. It might be Steve Forbes. Or possibly Jean Kirkpatrick."

Timothy Lahaye is the best-selling author of the Left Behind series of books, a staple in the Armageddon Out of Here genre of Christo-Lit.

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