Wednesday, March 22, 2006
HUMANS TO BLAME FOR EXTINCTION LEVELS
By Stockton
The report not only concluded that humans were responsible for the sixth major extinction event in history, investigators were also able to pin-point the human most responsible.
Meet Frank Portelli.
Mr. Frank Portelli
Frank Portelli is an accountant living in the Columbus, Ohio area.
"When the U.N. people showed up at my door, I was shocked," said a devastated Portelli. "I had no idea. Really. I try and be a good citizen, I've never been arrested. I don't even smoke. I mean, sometimes I don't recycle, but most of the time I do."
In order to avoid a U.N. resolution condemning him, Portelli has reached an agreement with the United Nations that includes random inspections.
"I even bike to work now," said Portelli, "even though it's an hour commute by car."
In an unguarded moment, Portelli admitted that he would not mind if his neighbor's dog, a German Shepherd named Nero, became extinct. "I hate that fucking dog!"
Humans are responsible for the worst spate of extinctions since the dinosaurs and must make unprecedented extra efforts to reach a goal of slowing losses by 2010, a U.N. report said on Monday.
Habitats ranging from coral reefs to tropical rainforests face mounting threats, the Secretariat of the U.N. Convention on Biological Diversity said in the report, issued at the start of a March 20-31 U.N. meeting in Curitiba, Brazil.
"In effect, we are currently responsible for the sixth major extinction event in the history of earth, and the greatest since the dinosaurs disappeared, 65 million years ago," said the 92-page Global Biodiversity Outlook 2 report.
The report not only concluded that humans were responsible for the sixth major extinction event in history, investigators were also able to pin-point the human most responsible.
Meet Frank Portelli.
Frank Portelli is an accountant living in the Columbus, Ohio area.
"When the U.N. people showed up at my door, I was shocked," said a devastated Portelli. "I had no idea. Really. I try and be a good citizen, I've never been arrested. I don't even smoke. I mean, sometimes I don't recycle, but most of the time I do."
In order to avoid a U.N. resolution condemning him, Portelli has reached an agreement with the United Nations that includes random inspections.
"I even bike to work now," said Portelli, "even though it's an hour commute by car."
In an unguarded moment, Portelli admitted that he would not mind if his neighbor's dog, a German Shepherd named Nero, became extinct. "I hate that fucking dog!"
