Smorgasblog

STOCKTON & TWEED FLASHBACK

2007-02-11T11:48:00.000-05:00

Since we are unable to post on a regular basis, we thought we'd cannibalize our prior work. So for now, we offer Stockton & Tweed classic:

From Lickin' Bush in '04 - October, 2004

DEFECTIVE CARS MAKE IRAQ UNSTABLE
By Stockton

After an exhaustive study, the Bush Administration has determined that there is little or no terrorist violence in Iraq, just defective automobiles.

In a press release, the Administration noted that the car bombings, once thought to be the work of terrorists are, in fact, the result of defective automobiles.

"It's a bit of a relief," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary. "We knew this Iraq thing was going to work but the violence was such a surprise. Now we know better. It's defective cars. They're exploding all over Iraq."

"It certainly makes me feel better," said L. Paul Bremer, former Gauleiter of Iraq. "I thought I had messed up. I thought we needed more ground troops. We just needed more personal injury attorneys. Most of these cars are probably manufactured in France."

With this revealation, the pressure now mounts on Iraq's infant civil law system. The question is: Can the new courts handle the massive products liability claims sure to be filed in the next few months?

"I have no idea," says Ramhal ibn-Ibin, Judical Administrator. "We don't know much about western tort law. Up until now, if someone injured you, your family had the option to confiscate the offending man's daughter or to have the man torn apart by wild dogs. This is all so new for us."

According to automotive design engineers, the most common problem with Iraqi cars is the thickness of the steel surrounding the gas tank. "It's too thin," says Gilbert Hobart, chief designer of GM. "When it gets damaged, say by a bouncing rock or by a bump in the road, it can explode quite easily." Hobart also notes that tons of TNT placed in the vehicles trunk may also cause problems if detonated.

As the number of vehicles in Iraq steadily diminished (from 13.8 million in 2003 to 122 in 2004), Iraqi's are confident the elections will proceed as scheduled.

WE WILL RETURN

2007-02-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

Due to cut-backs at the prison, the warden has limited our access to the internets. Postings will be sporadic from now until 2008. Luckily, our parole hearings coincide with the start of the Presidential Primary season.

MAN MAY DECLINE TIME MAGAZINE HONOR

2007-01-02T19:24:00.000-05:00

When Harry Flick opened his mailbox two weeks ago to retrieve his copy of Time Magazine he was floored by the news magazine's cover story.

"I couldn't believe it," said Flick, a 38 year-old graduate student. "They didn't even give me a heads-up or anything. Me, Time's Man of the Year!"

Flick was so excited he immediately telephoned his parents. "I forgot about the three-hour time difference though," admitted Flick. "Dad was royally pissed. He said that I wasn't even a man, let alone Time's Man of the Year, because I still don't have a driver's license."

Flick's euphoria quickly faded over the next few hours, however.

"I had a real heart-to-heart with myself," said Flick. "I couldn't help wondering, why me? I mean, I do have some pretty remarkable accomplishments. In college I made the biggest rubber-band ball in the tri-city area. I also have the most extensive library of Charlie's Angel's episodes ever recorded on Beta-Max. That something. Still, I don't know if I'm worthy of it all."

Flick confided that he's not sure the recognition is all it's cracked-up to be. "I sat around all that day expecting phone calls; from the press; from friends and family. No one called."

Flick's friend, Derrick Newsome, a co-recipient, has no such confusion over the award.

"Fuck, yeah," said Newsome. "Harry may not think he deserves it but I sure as hell do."

Newsome credits his blog, "Derrick's Own Blog," as the reason for being named Man of the Year. "It's an awesome blog," said Newsome, who admits he hasn't updated the blog in months. "I developed a system for teaching people Elvish, you know, Tolkien's Elvish from the Lord of the Rings? And not just Sindarin either but both forms of Elvish."

Newsome's biggest thrill was the fact that his self-proclaimed nemesis, author J.K Rowling, hasn't won the coveted award. Newsome has devoted hundreds of hours e-mailing the Harry Potter author, pointing out various inconsistencies in her works, especially in the field of apparition.

"J.K. - fucking - Rowling hasn't won yet," noted Newsome, "even though she may be single-handedly responsible for getting an entire generation of children interested in reading. All those kids, waiting in line at midnight to by her stinking books....fuck her!"

THE CHENEY'S' CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

2006-12-17T11:02:00.000-05:00

By Editors

Recent reports of the pregnancy of Vice President Vlad "The Impaler" Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary ignited a firestorm of controversy among conservatives. But recent reports and statements by the Cheney's seem to be cooling tempers.

"No science was involved with this conception," said Heather Poe, Mary Cheney's companion. "We prayed a lot - so did the Vice President, and we thank him for that." The Cheney's also deny that any spermatozoa was terminated in the impregnation of their daughter.

While the words of Heather Poe calmed the tempers of some, the Vice President addressed another rumor - that Mary's pregnancy was a new form of terrorist activity.

Said a stoic Vice President Cheney, "we are investigating the circumstances of this event - it's unusual, it's not what you would expect. I have asked both the NSA and the FBI to investigate, and we have been assured by the NSA that no WMDs are suspected of being anywhere near my daughter."

International 'chatter' spiked just prior to the conception.

While exactly how Mary Cheney conceived a child is still a mystery, many in the Christian community believe they have the answer. "It's Christmas, her name is Mary, and she's the daughter of one of God's warriors - this is clearly the second coming," said Joseph Alsop of The Christian Union National Trust.

Others are skeptical. Concerned Woman for America President Beverly Lahaye has called the pregnancy "unconscionable." Says Lahaye, "Such a conception was not in any of my husband Tim's Left Behind books. I think Mary Cheney used the seed of a man. It might be Steve Forbes. Or possibly Jean Kirkpatrick."

Timothy Lahaye is the best-selling author of the Left Behind series of books, a staple in the Armageddon Out of Here genre of Christo-Lit.

CHRISTMAS ISN'T FREE

2006-12-03T11:45:00.000-05:00

As we enter the Christmas/Holiday season, let us pause and give thanks to all the people that have come before us, making this season possible.

Many times we forget the sacrifices made by others. Let us never forget those that have given their lives to protect Christmas, be they elf, reindeer or sales clerks

Remember, crass commercialization isn't free!

ELECTION ROCKS RELIGIOUS RIGHT

2006-11-18T20:04:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

The 2006 mid-term elections have rocked and shocked the nation's fundamentalist movement. Not only did the Democratic Party defeat many of the rights allies in Congress, three statewide initiatives also spelled defeat for the nation's righteous.

In South Dakota, voters defeated an almost total ban on killing babies;

In Missouri, voters voted in favor of stem-cell research;

In Arizona, voters defeated a Marriage Amendment that would ban same-sex marriages.

"Last Tuesday was disastrous," said Ken Waitling, a fundamentalist minister and one of the leaders of the nation's religious conservatives. "It is comparable to 1932, when the National Socialist Party took the Reichstag."

Waitling has warned his parishioners that they will now have to be on guard and protect their families. He suggests building underground shelters not unlike those built in the 1950's during the height of the Cold War.

"We'll need to protect our wives and daughters, now, from the Democrats. Bible burning, flag burning and public, homosexual copulation will now be standard fare. Also, expect to see more assless chaps."

Others, however, seek to learn from the election and modify their positions.

Fundamentalist Minister Howard Malveson has decided to re-evaluate certain positions, including the hard line taken on stem-cell research. "I think it's time we accept that science does have some role in medicine and medical issues. A small one, true. But a role nonetheless."

WHITE HOUSE RESPONDS TO GOP DEFEAT

2006-11-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

The Bush administration responded to the GOP's trouncing at the polls on November 7, 2006:

"We think that the Democratic Party is in its death throws," said Vice President Dick Cheney, noting that Trent Lott was easily re-elected in Mississippi.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was more circumspect, noting that the defeat of the insurgent democrats promised to be a "long, hard slog."

Ken Melman, Chairman on of the GOP and one of the architects of Bush's re-election in 2004 claimed that the democrats' recent successes were an indication that the Republican's were winning. "They are lashing out, and are under pressure. If we weren't so successful, if we weren't taking the fight to them. . . of course we'd have fewer casualties."

White House spokesman Tony Snow attempted to back-peddle on some of the White House's earlier predictions about the election results. "We never said. . . the President never predicted that the Republican party would retain control of the House and Senate - he never said that."

Some conservative pundits have even suggested that Tuesday's results were part of a "flypaper" strategy. "Democrats are now flocking to Congress," said one conservative. "Now we'll know where they are and hopefully, more will be drawn to DC. We'd rather fight them here than...or fight them at home....Am I in the right room?"

SADDAM SENTENCED

2006-11-06T06:16:00.000-05:00

BREAKING NEWS

This past weekend, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by hanging for crimes against humanity.

The Chief Judge, star of stage and screen, Ben Kingsley said that he had no choice but to sentence Saddam to death. "I'm an actor," said Kingsley, "not a writer. I follow the script."

SOURCE OF A-ROD'S TROUBLES REVEALED

2006-11-05T15:14:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

It was a rocky year for baseball superstar Alex Rodriquez. The Yankee third baseman put up big numbers but came under fire for underproducing in big game situations. Both fans and teammates lost patience with the future Hall of Famer and his troubles continued through a lack-luster 1-for-14 performance in the post season.

The third baseman's fielding (he won numerous Gold Gloves at shortstop) even suffered and many concluded he had a mental rather than physical problem. Rodriquez would not be the first superstar to choke while playing in the Big Apple.

However, Smorgasblog may have discovered the cause of Rodriquez' problems on the field.

According to well placed sources, Rodriquez' difficulties stem from campaign fatigue. Few people have the physical stamina to play everyday for a World Series contender and run for Senate from Tennessee. Yes, Harold Ford Jr. is the Yankees third baseman.

Alex...looking for a second job?

IRAQ = VIETNAM OR WAR FOR MIDDLE EARTH

2006-10-23T07:42:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

President Bush recently admitted that the Iraq War bore some similarities to the Vietnam War. However, Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum opted for another analogy:

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S."

-- Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), quoted by Salon, likening the Iraq War to the Lord of the Rings.

Questions over the allegory however, still remain. Smorgasblog attempted to get the Republican Senator, now locked in a close battle to retain his senate seat, to clarify his literary allusion at a campaign press conference.

Stockton: Senator, just who are the Hobbits in your scenario?

Santorum: The American people are the Hobbits and we've been successful in having the Eye of Mordor directed away from...

Stockton: Right, Eye of Mordor. But if we are the Hobbits...if Americans are the Hobbits, where is Mount Doom and why are we climbing it?

Santorum: Uhm...Mount Doom...if we're Hobbits we want the Eye....

Stockton: Is it Mount McKinley? Is it your position that Mount McKinley is Mount Doom?

Santorum: Absolutely not. I never said...

Stockton: Is the Bush Administration Mount Doom?

Santorum: No, the Bush Administration...they're like the Council of Elrond....where Aslan and Dumbledore decided to draw a line in the sand and build a Democracy in...

Stockton: Is the President Pippin?

Santorum: More like Gandalf, a wise and...

Stockton: But we're Hobbits, right?

Santorum: Right...and the Eye of....

Stockton: Should a wizard be ruling American Hobbitry? Wouldn't that be like the United Nations ruling the United States, with Gandalf as General Secretary?

Santorum: You're twisting my words. It's people like you that endanger our country. Why would any person oppose violating the Cracks of Mount Doom?

Stockton: Just one more question, Senator: Is traditional marriage Sauron's next target?

Santorum: Fuck You!

MORE TROUBLE FOR REPUBLICANS

2006-10-14T09:56:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

With mounting scandals hurting their chances to keep their majorities in both Houses of Congress, the GOP was hit with another headache. Yesterday afternoon, the Conference of American Bishops served the National Republican Committee with an Order to Show Cause.

According to legal papers, the Conference of American Bishops is seeking both declaratory relief as well as money damages for copyright infringement.

"We are asking the Republicans to immediately stop their predatory acts against teen males and to pay damages for each predatory act in the sum of $1,000,000," said a Conference spokesman.

The Bishops allege that they have proprietary rights and interests in any older male - young male contact. "We applied for and received a copyright on such conduct," said the spokesman, "and we intend to enforce all of our legal rights."

Speaker of the House, Denny Hastert (R-Neverland Ranch) could not be reached for comment but a GOP attorney did state that such conduct is in the public domain and they will fight the allegations vigorously.

Arguments will be heard next week.

BIBLE 3.5 UPGRADE NOW AVAILABLE

2006-10-08T15:33:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

Micro-Fundamentalist Corp. has announced it's Bible upgrade will be available this week, although additional components are still under development.

The upgrade was necessary after researchers discovered significant errors in nearly all versions of the Bible produced in the west, according to a report by Micro-Fundamentalist working group New Faith Century, a special project, funded through a combination of grants from Liberty University and the US Agency of Faith-Based Initiatives.

"Some of these errors are significant," said programmer manager Robert Evans of Lynchburg, Virginia, "but not surprising when you remember that most Bibles translated into western languages were translated by elite Europeans, like "King" James - king, he actually called himself king when translating the book of the real King. Pretty ironic."

Evans led New Faith Century's team that reviewed the historical record of the last days of Jesus' life. "Turns out," commented Anthony McCormick, one of Evans' programmers, "Jesus was one tough s.o.b. He didn't actually repair that Centurion's ear - in fact, as they were arresting him, Jesus bit the ear off. And the reason Jesus was beaten so badly was because he wouldn't convert from being a Christian to being a Muslim."

According to the Micro-Fundamentalist website, among the corrections are the following:

* Romans had largely converted to Islam by the time of Jesus' birth;

* Jesus was raised Roman Catholic, had a drinking problem (including a minor camel accident that was hushed-up), but was born again about the same time that God told him about his ancestry;

* The Apostles were a well organized para-military team with extensive business experience in the wood and other energy industries;

* Judas was expelled from the Apostles after lying about receiving blow-jobs from a Jewish girl; and

* Judas was the cause of the fall of the Roman Republic, the burning of Rome and the excessive taxes paid by early Christians.

More significant than the corrections to the historical record are the re-translations of some Jesus' sayings.

"The incongruity between the traditional translations of Jesus' words and the actions of today's Christian is what first gave us the idea that these works were off-base," said George Ewell, the director of the project. "It just didn't make any sense - the meek shall inherit the earth - how? It's not like they're out making money."

The Word of God team has kept its work very quiet. But recently, they released one re-translation which they said was based on a careful review of early translations from Hebrew to Aramaic, to Greek to Latin. "Our analysis is 100% accurate - the appropriate translation of Jesus' words is 'do unto others before they do unto you.' It makes perfect sense."

The Word of God team expects their updates to be out in late October.

WHO KNEW WHAT WHEN?

2006-10-04T18:04:00.000-04:00

Editors

Accusations are flying in the wake of the Mark Foley (R-FL) scandal. Foley resigned yesterday after it was revealed that he had been e-mailing and IM'ing underage House pages. Foley's Congressional staff (shown left) are unanimous in defending their boss, saying he's always been kind and attentive.

Now, however, questions have arisen over who was aware of Foley's predilections for young, underage, nubile, slick-with-sweat pages. Those accused of knowing Foley's secret include House Speaker Denny Hastert, Senator Majority Leader Bill Frist and Department of Homeland Security Head, Michael Chertoff.

The details are not pretty.

Recently, various e-mails have surfaced indicating that all three of the above-named leaders had foreknowledge of Foley's penchant for pages.

From: Hastert, Denny
To: Foley, Mark
Date: 1/7/2006
Subject: H.R. 20012

Mark:

Any word on when the above legislation will be leaving the committee for a floor vote?

Big D

From: Foley, Mark
To: Hastert, Denny
Date: 1/8/2006
Subject: H.R. 20012 and young boys

D-Man! Good to hear from you. We'll move on that piece next week.

How was your Christmas vacation? Do you have any pictures of yourself. Please send one. Have you been working out? You looked really good the last time I saw you, and your friend too. Hot!

Do you wear boxers or briefs?

Your special friend :-)

Earlier, in 2005, Secretary Chertoff was the recipient of a memorandum from Congressman Foley as a follow-up to testimony by Chertof:

To: Secretary Chertoff
From: Congressman Foley
Date: August 2, 2005
Subject: Wink/Wink

Mr. Secretary:

Thank you for your testimony yesterday on the subject of airport security measures in the United States.

As a follow-up to your testimony, my committee feels it necessary to request additional information. Please respond to the following:

1. Please describe in detail the methods of cavity searches permitted by the TSA;
2. Please indicate the length of these searches;
3. Please identify how many of these searches involve young men; and
4. With respect to item 3 above, please provide photos (the good ones, not those grainy things you sent last week).

Kindest regards,

Mark Foley

To: Frist, William
From: Candyman@youngboys.net
Date: 3/5/2006
Subject: Healthy Colon Awareness Week for Staffers and Pages

Bill,

Sign me up. I'd like to volunteer

Foley has flown to Neverland for a vacation and was unavailable for comment.

CULTURE WAR FRONT

2006-09-30T20:11:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

We are pleased to report good news on the Culture War Front. The forces of Secular Extremism are, while not completely routed, in retreat. The Good News:

1. According to Texas Senator John Cornyn, there have been no documented cases of Man - Box Turtle marriages for the entire year to date;

2. According to the office of Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, no one has tried to marry a dog in 2006 (there is no data for North Dakota);

3. Sales of wife-beater t-shirts are up 18%;

4. Nascar ticket sales are on the rise;

5. Literacy is down, 3%;

6. Assaults on Santa's Elves is at an all-time low.*

Not everything on the Culture War Front is rosy. Terry Schiavo is still dead and at least 49 states still allow the Theory of Evolution to be taught in science class.

So, saddle-up! We still have work to do!

*In fact, this year, only one elf, Jeepers, was injured during an attack. That injury occurred during a bar fight with the Easter Bunny

ALLEN DENIES ILL FEELINGS TOWARDS MUD PEOPLE

2006-09-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

Virginia Senator George Allen has again been forced to deny aspects of his racist past in his heated campaign to retain his seat.

Recent reports indicate that Allen used the "N" word while playing football for the University of Virginia. Allen cut short a speech at a Klan Rally to rush back to the Capitol to address the allegations.

"I never used the "N" word," stated Allen during a campaign stop in Culpepper, Virginia, "I distinctly recall my spic friend using that word, and some of the wops, but I always referred to the coloreds as 'Mud People.' It was all in good fun."

Allen spots two waiters with suspicious skin-tones

Senator Allen has also been blamed for the decline in Jewish-African-American relations.

In related news, Stockton & Tweed's Smorgasblog was not cited by David Frum as interjecting anti-semetism into the Virginia Senate race, despite their desperate plea to be included.

We thank Mr. Frum for his careful review and approval of our site.

KLANSMAN'S PROJECT PLAGUED BY DOUBT

2006-09-24T11:46:00.000-04:00

Area Klan leader, Wilbur Mazourek may soon see his life's work jeopardized. Mazourek, 33, is not like many Klansman. Eschewing rallies and protests, Mazourek has spent the last twelve years compiling his "Race Grade" system. "I don't get out much," admitted Mazourek.

Mazourek's Race Grade system is an attempt to categorize and rank races and ethnicity.

"It started out fine," confided Mazourek. "Aryans on top. Blacks on the bottom. Alls I was going to do was fill in the rest. Then I really started thinking."

Jews become Mazourek's first stumbling block. "Jus' where do I put them buggers, above or below blacks? And not all blacks are the same, either. Michael Jordan was pretty cool. Almost like a white guy. Will Smith is pretty funny. But then there's fellas like Vernon Jordan."

After deep soul-searching, Mazourek opted to place Jews above Blacks: "But just barely," cautioned Mazourek. "There's just fewer. Plus, my old boss was an Aryan and he was an asshole. My new boss, Mr. Steinberg, he's actually OK once you get to know him. Come to find out, he don't smell funny or eat babies."

Mazourek has approached his project without any bias. Despite his father immigrating from Lebanon in 1954, Mazourek has awarded the Lebanese a low ranking. "If you knew Daddy, you'd know why."

Mazourek's real problem lies in ranking the Europeans. "Take the Poles. They're Slavs so they should rank low, but they also hate Jews. See, I told you it was a problem. The Italians are a tough case too. They got their lighter skinned Italians in the north, who should rank pretty high and you got the darker types in Sicily who should rank low. Problem is, if Louie Scarano, down at Big Louie's ever found out what I think of Sicilians, he'd kick my ass."

Mazourek had no doubts about who won the top slot: "Easy, the Aryans. That's a no-brainer."

When Mazourek does complete his elaborate ranking system, he plans to celebrate with a trip to Aryania.

Mazourek can be heard Sunday at 4:00PM, at the Bowl & Dine in East Hamlin, where he gives weekly spheches.

SHALOM, GEORGE!

2006-09-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

Editors

Recent news has rocked a closely-watched senate race. Monday, Virginia Senator and 2008 presidential hopeful George Allen discovered that he is Jewish. Allen's mother, the former Esther Rubenstein of Halesite, Long Island, had kept her religion a closely guarded secret from her own family.

On Tuesday, Allen addressed the press for the first time since the discovery. Surrounded by family, friends and the Allen Family Mohel, Allen issued a brief statement:

"Having recently been informed that I belong to the Jewish tribe, I'd ask the goyim press for a schtikel of time so our family can deal with this tragedy with some dignity. I will not be taking any questions."

In a bizarre twist, this morning, in a tearful statement to the press, Virginia's most prominent Jew admitted to being the junior Republican Senator from Virginia:

"Vaht, Vaht! You killing me vit dese questions already. OK, yes, its true, yes, I'm duh junior Republican Senator from Virginia - there I said it. Are you happy now you, with all your scribblings? Did you get that deary? I said Senator from Virginia. You hoyd me OK just then? Good, now vhere's Kenny wit my bagel."

Shortly after his statement this morning, Allen joined the Anti Defamation League and filed a formal complaint with the Allen campaign claiming that Allen's use of the term "maccaca" was offensive.

ALLEN DAZZLES ON MEET THE PRESS

2006-09-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

Virginia Senator George Allen, during the extended interview with Liberal smear-monger Tim Russert and his opponent, Jim Webb, refrained from making a single racial slur during the entirety of the program. Allen's stunning display is destined to lock-up his re-election campaign and has sent Webb's campaign into a tailspin.

"We're thrilled," gushed Allen campaign advisor Vince Lee, "not one kike, wop, halfrican, spic, darkie, towel-head, niggra', macaca, kraut, saboo, or nothin!"

Senator Webb's campaign insiders say that headquarters had been counting on at least one slip from Allen to ensure victory. "Not even a "wet-back" when he was talking about his gardener. This is bad."

Pundits say that Allen's ability to refrain from racial epithet's in public could lock this one up in the conservative Old Dominion. Others point to some of Allen's comments as providing room for a nuanced analysis that clearly demonstrates his racist tendencies. Niel Jefferson points to this statement as one subject to that sort of interpretation:

"You know, Tim, I think our troops in the middle-east are doing a great job, because we're not that different. From what I've seen from TV, your average A-rab doesn't look much different from your average Eyetalian - and we got some of them makin' pizzas in Fairfax, but we gotta keep an eye on them, you know. It's not like we're in Niger (am I saying that right?) where, you know, they're different. . . you know."

Most agree that using such comments as evidence of Allen's racism would be difficult in an election.

After the interview, Allen did confess that he has felt pressure of late. "I was as nervous as a jigaboo at a Klan rally. Just glad I could pull it off."

SENATOR REVEALS TRUE PASSION IN LIFE

2006-09-16T08:37:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd admitted yesterday that his entire political career has been focused on one overriding goal: getting the fuck out of West Virginia.

Byrd was first elected to the House of Representatives in 1876 and later moved on to the Senate in 1898. He is running for his 20th term of office.

Byrd made the admission in an interview with West Virginia’s Trailer Park Today, a monthly periodical.

During the interview, Byrd spoke eloquently and passionately about his beloved home and the issues affecting West Virginia.

Byrd, on retirement:

“To what? Retire to what? I’ve made it my life’s mission to stay out of that third-world hell hole. Why would I want to go back there to retire."

Byrd, on healthcare and good neighbors:

“We’re talking about a state that has an official disease. I’ve got nothing against Rickets as far as diseases go but you just have to see my neighbors. The guy next door, he’s twenty-two and he looks ten years older than me."

Byrd's neighbor, 22 year-old Harry Wood,recently graduated from the University of WestVirginia.

Byrd, on education:

"Education? People here think 7th grade is post-graduate work."

Byrd, on the environment:

“And that Blue Ridge, Mountain Mama crap! Great, if you want a nasty bout of Black Lung. And the last ‘Mountain Mama’ I saw looked like she had a Wookie in a thigh-lock. Buy a god damned razor."

Byrd, on unfinished Senate business:

“For the love of god, vote for me one last time so I can die in D.C.”

The interview ended with Senator Byrd thanking his constituents for the honor of serving them in the Senate.

TAKE ME OUT TO THE كرة, حفلة راقصة, رصاصة, جسم مستدير

2006-09-13T21:13:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

The Bush administration announced significant progress in the normalization of the situation in Iraq. With the smell of Tabssi and date filled pastry in the air, the new national baseball league opened the season with a double header at Haliburton Field in downtown Iraq, as the Baghdad Bedouins faced the Tikrit Fatwas*

The action started quickly, as the Bedouins opened-up a six-run lead in the bottom of the first inning. A routine ground-ball turned into a stand-up double for lead-off hitter Akmed el Sharazad as second baseman Terk Kelmeni al Sein was distracted by a female spectator's showing of her ankle to the entire stadium. Play resumed after the stoning, and the Bedouins scored six runs as Fatwa left fielder Sidhair Kazoolt was mangled by a land mine.

The six runs was enough for Bedouin pitcher Ali al Seinham, who scattered six hits through nine innings, and gave up only one run. al Seinham awed the Fatwas with a combination of split-finger fastballs, a huge curve and a few IADs strategically placed along the first-base line. Crafty south-paw, Khalid "Jimmy" Fakkad, starting pitcher for the Fatwas, gave up six earned runs through four innings before detonating himself.

After the game, al Seinham said he felt very comfortable all day, and credited the scattered rifle shots from right field with keeping the Fatwa hitters off-balance.

The second game went to the Fatwas, but in a closer match. The Fatwas opened an assault in the top of the third with four well-placed hits and mortar fire. After scoring two, the Fatwas denied the Bedouins attempt to score a run in the bottom of the third as catcher Ali Sunni gunned down Bedouins baserunner Ali Shee as he tried to steal third. After Ali Shee's blood was thoroughly mixed with the infield sand, played resumed, but the Beouins failed to score a run. The Fatwas scored two more runs in the fifth and sixth innings, but the game was called in the seventh, on account of flying shrapnel.

After the game Bedouin pitcher Khaled Sistannhi received terrible treatment at the hands of the Bedouin fans, who threw rocks at him every inning after the third. Manager Moudi Rachmanni used the team cleaver to chop off Sistannhi's pitching hand as punishment for the poor outing.

After the game, four sports writers were kidnapped.

Bedouin catcher Elmud Ibn Izir went 3 -4 withtwo RBI's, a stolen base, severe lacerations to bothlegs, a grade I trimalleolar fracture and a life threateningconcussion. He's expected to be back in the lineup on Thursday.

Both the Iraqi and American governments hope to use the success of opening day as a sign of the progress that has been made in Iraq.

* The Fatwas original name chosen by US forces was the Towel-Heads, but was changed shortly before the season opened after the third day of rioting in Tikrit.

CONEHEAD

2006-09-11T21:17:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

Stockton and I agree on many things. One of those things is baseball. We agree baseball is a game. We also agree that baseball books are hit or miss. I've just finished "A Pitcher's Story: Innings with David Cone" by Roger Angell and, pardon the irony, but, it's definitely a hit.

Roger Angell followed David Cone through the 2000 season with the World Series winning New York Yankees, and had access to Cone, his teammates and former teammates. Originally conceived as a book about an aging master continuing to figure out how to win as age works its undeniable effects on a pitching arm, Cone's uncharacteristic 4-14 season turned the book into something better. The trials and tribulations of Cone's 2000 season are used as a backdrop to a review of Cone's remarkable career.

David Cone is an interesting figure. While Cone does not rank with the truly great pitchers of his era - Roger Clemens and Greg Maddux, notably - he was very good for many years and had a few tremendous years. Cone is a Cy Young award winner and a Hutch award winner for his determination and grit. Cone was a strikeout pitcher, usually on the leader-board in this category and had numerous high strikeout games (including 19 against the Phillies with the threat of arrest hanging over his head - but more on that later). Cone was a big-game pitcher, winning many crucial games (game 3 of the 1996 world series is my favorite (sorry Steve)) and pitched the elusive perfect game (with Don Larsen and Yogi Berra watching) at Yankee Stadium.

A fierce competitor, and, by most accounts, a leader and valued teammate, Cone suffered, as most pitchers do, from a myriad of injuries. Unlike many baseball players, Cone was able to survive, and even thrive, in the tough New York market, as both a member of the Mets and the Yankees. A fierce competitor who thrived under pressure, Cone, like many pitchers, hated being pulled from games. There is a particularly good passage regarding this:

It's game 3 of the 1996 World Series; the Yankees have lost the first two games to the Atlanta Braves. They are in Atlanta, and must win the game to avoid an unthinkable 0 -3 deficit in the series. Cone starts game 3:

"Cone, with eleven days' rest, established himself early in the game. . . .
Leading the Braves' Tom Glavine by 2-0 in the sixth, he gave up a walk and a
bloop, and, with one out, walked Chipper Jones, to load the bases. This produced
Joe Torre from the dugout, and a mound conference that has become embronzed in
Yankee memory, like a war memorial. Seizing his pitcher by the hips, Torre pulls
David close, inches away from his stare, and says, "This is important. You've got to tell me the truth." . . . . "I'm all right," Cone says, a little startled. "I'm fine. I can get these guys, believe me."

Candor and resolution flow out of him. Who wouldn't go with a guy like this? Torre nods at last, touches his shoulder, and retires. "I trusted David Cone," he says later. "He's the toughest player to read I've ever had because he always expects to do
well."

"I lied," Cone says. "I had to make him believe my lie."

Of course, Cone went on to win the game, and the Yankees came back to win the series 4 -2.

But unlike some players, concerned only with their own individual statistics, Cone worked for the team to win games - which is how he dislocated his shoulder.

Away from baseball, Cone's career was, shall we say, controversial. Cone came up with the Royals but was traded to the Mets early in his career - one of those "I can't believe I traded him for this schmuck" deals. With the Mets, Cone pitched tremendously, but also made page 6 more frequently than Paris Hilton's thong. Not that Cone was the ringleader of that wild bunch - but he certainly didn't back away from the challenges of stardom and groupies. These adventures included charges of inappropriate behavior including an accusation of rape - a charge not followed-up by the police because of inconsistencies in the complainant's story.

But Cone was also one of the player association representatives during the strike and, by all accounts, was a masterful advocate. He is also viewed by his colleagues as a leader, and a player willing to make the extra effort to make life easier for his teammates.

And Angell brings all this out - Cone, warts and all, as he struggles to figure out his 2000 season.

I've not always been a David Cone fan - I was never a Mets fan, and never appreciative of the lack of self-control of those guys. But Cone grew on me as his career lengthened. Cone came to the park everyday to play, and to play to win. I watched him return from injury (his masterful come-back after his anneurysm surgery was stunning) and sat on the edge of my seat as he achieved perfection.

This is a remarkably well-written book, and provides a glimpse into the life of a pitcher. If you have an interest in what it is to be a major league ball player, this is a good book to read.

2006-09-10T09:54:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

ABC has decided that it may re-edit portions of it's controversial 9/11 mini-series due to claims that the production takes serious liberties with the actual events leading up to and including the attacks.

Among the scenes that may be edited or cut are the following:

1) Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is informed that a third plane hijacked by terrorists has been diverted and is heading towards Pennsylvania air space. Rumsfeld quickly commandeers an F-16 fighter, intercepts the plane, ejects from the cockpit, lands on the plane, enters the plane, and dispatches the terrorists. Unfortunately, the plane still crashes but Rumsfeld is miraculously thrown clear of the crash.

ABC executive Tom Reynolds claims that while there is no definitive proof that this episode occurred, there is not proof that it did not.

2) In another scene, Bush, upon hearing of the attack, races back to the White House and personally takes command of a White House surface-to-air missile battery. "The White House might be attacked one day," says Bush, "but it won't be today!"

ABC admitted that the foregoing scenerio is conjecture. Nonetheless, it remains the most likely theory explaining Bush's mysterious disappearance in the hours after the attack.

3) The menage-a-trois scene featuring Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowtiz and Condi Rice may be cut from the series as too graphic and disturbing.

From ABC's 9/11 - President Bush (right) organizes White House defenseswhile inspiring the troops

I'M YOUR BOGEYMAN, THAT'S WHAT I AM

2006-09-07T09:56:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

In response to repeated calls for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's resignation, the Whitehouse fired back, declaring:

"The president strongly supports the defense secretary. It's not going to happen," White House spokesman Tony Snow told reporters, referring to Democratic calls to dump Rumsfeld. "Creating Donald Rumsfeld as a bogeyman may make for good politics but would make for a very lousy strategy at this time," Snow said.

Before moving to a station break, Snow went on to say that the only time the Defense Secretary scares President Bush is when Rumsfeld walks into a cabinet meeting and "does his Darth Vader voice."

However, White House insiders did admit that Bush has been overheard saying that he is, "Ascared of Rummy sometimes." One aide admitted that Bush once soiled himself when Rumsfeld became angry. "But it's been awhile since that happened," added the aide, "and in all fairness, it was after a major coke binge."

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld demonstratinghis strategy for winning in Iraq

THANKS FOR THE LINKS

2006-09-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

Editors

The Editors* of Smorgasblog would like to thank:

Our old friend Jen at Audacity (and it only took eight months);

A new link from American Zombie, thanks;

And last, but not least, Your Right Hand Thief and Silly Humans for the support. At least someone recognizes brilliance when they see it.

All of you have demonstrated your extraordinary level of class and taste. We recommend your blogs to our readers but frankly, you are our readers.

Thanks!

* The opinions expressed here are not necessarily those the editors and are not to be construed as an endorsement of same.

CRIKEY! THAT'S A BIG STINGRAY!

2006-09-04T10:25:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Famed Crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin, is dead.

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the "Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called "Ocean's Deadliest" when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous barb on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said. "He came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart," said Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time.

Friends are understandably shocked at the unexpected death of the Australian. "I never thought it would end this way," said one grief-stricken colleague. "When a guy spends his life jumping onto deadly predators you don't expect this type of thing to happen."

In related news, John Mark Karr released the following statement from Boulder, Colorado:

"I was with Steve Irwin when he died. It was an accident. I loved him very much."

SENATOR DECLINES AWARD

2006-09-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

On Friday, Virginia Senator and Presidential hopeful George Allen declined a Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund Community Leadership Award when donors threatened to withhold funding.

Allen's decision came almost three weeks after he singled out a Virginia-born college student of Indian descent in a mostly white crowd at a campaign rally and twice applied the name"Macaca" to him. Macaca is a genus of monkeys that includes macaques, and is also considered a racial slur in some parts of the world.

Senator Allen (right) with a non-Macaca
"It is with great sadness that I decline this award," said Allen. "I realize that my remarks may have hurt some and I apologize. I would like to thank all the darkies and 'Halfricans' who know me and stand by me at this black hour."

ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK

2006-08-28T20:10:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Colorado authorities have dropped all charges against John Mark Karr in the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, despite Karr's confession. Karr's DNA did not match the DNA found on JonBenet.

Karr, showing us his 'sane' look.
Karr was detained a few weeks ago in Bangkok, Thailand and admitted to accidentally assaulting and garroting Ramsey on Christmas night ten years ago.

Boulder officials grew concerned about the veracity of Karr's confession when he also confessed to killing the entire Russian Royal Family in 1919 (except for Anastasia).

"We hoped it was him," said one Boulder detective. "I mean, just look at the dude. He has to have killed someone at some point. The dude is fucking freaky looking."

Karr is probably best known for his 1979 hit, Cars, done under the name Gary Numan. Karr hopes to begin touring by next summer.

VIRGIN MARY APPEARS

2006-08-22T18:58:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Once again, during troubled times, the Mary, mother of Jesus Christ, has made an appearance. This time, the Blessed Virgin has returned as....chocolate.

Angiano comparing the only known photographof Mary with Chocolate Mary

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. - As a chocolatier to the rich and famous, Martucci Angiano has posed with many celebrities.

But on Thursday she held in her hand a figure that dazzles her more than any Hollywood star: a 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings that workers at her gourmet chocolate company believe bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.

Since the discovery at Bodega Chocolates, Angiano's employees have spent much of their time hovering over the tiny figure, praying and placing rose petals and candles around it.

Dr. Ken Hollington, a professor of Divinity at Liberty University and an expert on divine visitations, was cautiously optimistic. "This has all the hallmarks of a significant event," said Dr. Hollington. "It may be the most significant 'visitation' since the 1983 Drake's Cakes appearance in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It certainly rivals the 1971 'visitation," said Hollington, referring to an episode when Mary appeared in a plate of mashed potatoes, ordered by Buddy Ryan in a Waco, Texas Denny's.

This is not the first time that a divine figure has chosen to appear in the guise of chocolaty goodness. In 1946, the participants of the Last Supper appeared in a Paris Chocolatier's Boutique, retailing for $29.99:

Reactions from the pulpit have been mixed. Reverend Jake Colson, of the First Church of Christ the Avenger in Parma, Alabama, considers it blasphemous. "The Mother of Christ, Mary, a virgin, would never choose to appear in California!"

Willie Brown, Minister of The Last Baptist Church You'll Ever Need, in Troy, Georgia, believes that the appearance is definitive proof that the Holy Family were people of color.

The American Diabetes Foundation has called for an investigation.

OUR CLOSEST ALLIES

2006-08-18T17:45:00.000-04:00

A recent Pew Research poll of 5,120 Americans found that 67% of Americans believe that the Kingdom of Rohan is America's closest ally. The survey was conducted from July 22-July 31.

A previous poll conducted in December of 2001 found that 41% of Americans believed the flaxen-haired horseman from the north were our closest ally.

"Rohan has done a lot to improve their image in the eyes of most Americans," said survey conductor Jean Moss. "They've sent two entire eorad's to Iraq, they've ceased trading with Mordor and they've stopped shipments of chain mail to Korea."

According to most observers, the most significant step was casting Saruman out of King Theoden.

Who else does America consider a close ally?

Forest Moon of Endor 51%

Chief Shaman Kzyzckyx of Endor

Ruritania 43%

Crown Prince Rudolf of Ruritania

Grand Duchy of Fenwick 34%

Fenwickian Troops in the Lavendar Zone -Baghdad, Iraq

As for the greatest danger to the nation?

Ape Men from the future 73%

America's challenge for the 21st Century?

Iraq 21%
No photo available

Charlie Holdridge, systems analyst from Hannibal, Missouri 7%

The poll has a +/- error rate of 33%

FOR THE CHILDREN

2006-08-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

If you're like Stockton & Tweed, you may have gone through life for years without noticing the cruel state of affairs for today's super-rich youth. You've watched them on television, read about them in the tabloids - but you've ignored their suffering.

Isn't it time for a change?

Thanks to Stockton & Tweed, and other concerned and caring citizens like them, the suffering doesn't need to continue. Won't you join us to help these, the most privileged of our society?

For most of us, the suffering of these youths is nearly unimaginable - but imagine:

* the number of lawyers and accountants that have to be paid for and talked to for the management of trust funds;

* the extreme struggle of finding and attending probate court hearings just to acquire the hundreds of millions left to you;

* trying to explain to the legions of hangers-on that they'll have to delay the rave because of some court procedure that will delay you for hours - and remember, most courts don't allow instant messaging during proceedings; and finally,

* imagine that after all is said and done, having worked through the government red-tape known in this uncaring country as "probate" with the assistance of lawyers and accountants, these poor children have to pay taxes on the transfer of the millions that is theirs!

Trust Fund children try to access portfolio accountson outdated computers-just one of the many obstaclesthey'll face

Well, Stockton & Tweed couldn't stand it any longer, and with the wonderful assistance of Grover Norquist and other caring individuals, they have started an organization to help these forgotten wonders; and we hope you'll join us too:

Give generously, and support: The Donald's Kids

At The Donald's Kids, we help the youth of today's super-rich plan for tomorrow to avoid the pain and heartache. For as little as $70 a day, you'll help us:

* provide strategies for these poor . . . eh . . . uncared for children to convince their parents to engage in high-end generation-skipping wealth transfer strategies to avoid the awesome burden of multi-generational estate tax;

* provide form "just-in-case" pre-nuptial agreements for those trips to Mexico;

* offer "english-to-instant messanging" classes to help these kids to communicate with their lawyers, accountants and chaufers.

Havn't you waited long enough?

Isn't $70 a day worth the possibility of a Paris Hilton hot dog commercial?

Please, email Stockton & Tweed and help support The Donald's Kids.

LIEBERMONT

2006-08-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

According to the latest rumors, the LieberMont campaign had an unexpected visitor come to town on behalf of Senator Lieberman. The rumor mill is on high-alert and speculation is rampant. Fortunately for our two readers, you came here.

Smorgasblog has learned that actor Mel Gibson will be making a special guest appearance for Senator Lieberman.

Actor Gibson campaigns for Lieberman

In the past, Gibson has been overheard to say that he finds Senator Lieberman absolutely "Jewtastic!" Today, Mel upped the praise, calling Lieberman, "Jewliscious."

Gibson went on to say that Lieberman, like many of his Jewish friends, is not, NOT, responsible for all the wars in the world and that Lieberman would "probably have been against crucifying Christ."

Mel also referred to Hadassah Lieberman, the Senator's wife, as "Sugar Tits," claiming it's an an old Australian custom.

ENGLISH AS THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE

2006-08-01T06:39:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Support for making English the official language of the United States is growing. Approximately 80% of the nation believes English should be given some type of recognition as the 'official' language of the nation.

Nowhere is support for such a proposition as strong as it is among white, southern Republicans. Luckily, we were able to interview some fine GOP folks down south about this all-important issue.

Cletus Featherstone, a locust breeder from Arkansas, has this to say:

"Ifum gummit do jus one thang, itum sha be makin 'Merican dis lagish."

Hobe Ferris, a soil importer from Eastern Tennessee, said this:

"Gots nuffin' ginst no furners but done wan none comin' here talkin 'Nadian or Mexican talk."

Finally, Jaspar Hollins, crucifix salesman:

"Who ya all callin' a yokel?"

ANOTHER VICTORY IN THE CULTURE WAR

2006-07-21T16:29:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

President Bush exercised his veto-power for the first time by nixing the embryonic research bill, which would have provided funding for stem-cell research.

"The simple answer is he thinks murder's wrong," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "The president is not going to get on the slippery slope of taking something living and making it dead for the purposes of scientific research."

Mr. Snow then went on to detail over a hundred years of rat/mouse mass murder in scientific death camps.

Stem cell research has proved promising in treating diseases, including Alzheimer's. However, the President has not turned his back on fighting disease. According to a White House Science expert and Professor of Contemporary American Religion at Liberty Unirversity, Hollis Lundgren, the fight against disease will be continued and will be funded.

"Currently, stem cell research has been a dead end," said Lundgren. "The President has promised however that funding for alternative treatment will be provided to research programs such as ours."

Lundgren is currently working on a theory that diseases such as Alzhiemer's are caused by tiny Gnomes or Demons that attach themselves to vital organs.

GAYBIES

2006-07-13T05:43:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

WASHINGTON (AFP) - A Defense Department document discovered by University of California researchers identifies homosexuality as a "mental disorder," a classification which has raised the ire of lawmakers, who are urging the
Pentagon to withdraw it.

Directive 1332.38, on "physical disability evaluation," includes homosexuality in a list of "mental disorders," along with mental retardation and personality disorders.

The November 1996 document was re-certified as "current" in 2003, according to the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

The classification was subsequently revised:

"Homosexuality should not have been characterized as a mental disorder in an appendix of a procedural instruction," Lt. Col. Jeremy Martin, a Defense Department spokesman, said Wednesday. "A clarification will be issued over the next few days."

Homosexuality is now classified as a bacterial infection that can be treated with a course of Prayer Therapy.

The last time the Pentagon made such a revision was in 1951 when 'Negro' was removed from the class of mental disorders.

DISPATCH FROM THE FRONT

2006-07-10T05:45:00.000-04:00

A dispatch from our embedded reporter at the front: Albany, NY July 7, 2006 This past week, Allied Forces scored two decisive victories in the War on Marriage, on two different fronts. Both New York State and Georgia rejected same-sex marriage. The outcome in Georgia was fairly certain but the victory in New York is being hailed by defenders of traditional marriage as a crushing blow to the insurgents. "We struck deep into the heart of Blue territory," said one Allied commander. "It was like the confederacy and Gettysburg. Only this time the good guys won." New York and New England, the so-called Blue Triangle, has been a thorn in the side of traditional marriage. A skirmish in Vermont a few years ago resulted in Civil Unions. Later, guerrillas in Massachusetts routed Allied Forces, leaving homo-fascists in de facto control of the entire state. "It's rugged country in New England," said one Allied soldier. "Tough to get a toe-hold. Just ask the British." Archival footage of Allied Soldier retreating from Massachusetts In New York, victory came after months of brutal combat, much of it house to house, in and around Albany. According to intelligence reports, Anti-Marriage forces have retreated to Greenwich Village. The most severe fighting occurred near the NY State Court of Appeals building, where a fanatical squad of interior decorators held off wave after wave of Allied attacks for hours before they were subdued. The insurgents were armed with light hairdryers. Reverend Hobart Holcomb, Commander of the Allied Forces, addressed the nation after the astounding victory in New York. "We have won a mighty victory for the forces of decency. But we must stay vigilant. We cannot rest for our enemy does not rest. When we stop to pray, they are sodomizing each other. When we rest or seek sustenance, they are playing show tunes. Tonight, we can rest easy but tomorrow the fight must continue." For now though, even in New York, 'Pee-Pee's' can marry only 'Hoo-Hoo's.' Allied soldiers march through Albany This reporter remains humbled by the courage and dedication of our men and women in uniform. Each soldier I have met feels that this is a great and glorious cause. They do not regret putting their lives on hold to ensure that our American way of life continues. As Lance Corporal Edward Sturdivant (Holcomb, Alabama), who enlisted with five half-brothers and seven step-brothers, told me: "Daddy was married six times and I'd just hate to think that none of those marriage vows he swore before God meant anything."

(Stockton is embedded with the 32nd Armored Division. He can be reached at stocktontweedsb@yahoo.com)

U.S. FORCES WILL BE SHRINKING

2006-07-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Casey: U.S. Forces in Iraq to Shrink
By LOLITA C. BALDOR, Associated Press Writer Fri Jun 23, 3:27 AM ET
WASHINGTON -

The top U.S. commander in Iraq predicted on Thursday that the size of the U.S. fighting force will shrink this year, although he said he had not made new recommendations to his Pentagon bosses on the size and timing of any cuts.

Casey did not spell out specifics, but sources close to the Pentagon say that each U.S. soldier now serving in Iraq will be shrunk from between ten to twelve inches.

"Smaller soldiers will save us food and water because....well...they'll be smaller and eat less. We'll also be able to put more on each transport and, of course, they'll make smaller targets," said one Pentagon official.

It is not known if there will be a corresponding shrinkage in the weapons used by the smaller soldiers.

Although the exact procedure is classified, military physicians have assured the Defense Department that the shrinking procedure is relatively painless and can be performed on an out-patient basis.

IMMIGRATION DEBATE

2006-06-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

Massachusetts - June 23, 1675

Last night, the Pawtucket Tribal Council debated a controversial immigration measure well into the night. The measure would restrict European immigration into the New England region and strengthen existing immigration laws. The debate will continue this afternoon.

The immigration debate has been heated since the start of King Philip's War.

"This is a security issue," said one tribal leader. "We welcome the people's of Europe but want to ensure that they are here legally."

The rise in religious fanaticism amongst the newcomers also troubles Chief Passaconaway. "We do not want a repeat of 4/4/66," said the chief, referring to the day that Reverend Halleck rode his horse into the side of the Pawtucket Civil Center Wigwam.

Chief Passaconaway sees the measure as not only a security issue, but also a healthcare issue.

"I've had 1,756 of my closest friends and relatives die from small pox," noted the respected Pawtucket leader. "We need to keep an eye on who is coming in here."

The most controversial provision of the new measure would mandate that all immigrants learn Abenaki. "If they're going to live hear," said Wonalancet, "they should learn the language."

THE EXPIRING AGONIES OF THE CONSTITUTION

2006-06-14T07:12:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

As our Republic slips away, I was reminded of a quote I had read years ago. It took just a few minutes of digging to find that quote.

Samuel Chase was the only Supreme Court Justice ever impeached. It was a political impeachment (as all are), the Democrat-Republican Jefferson trying to remove the Federalist Chase.

Vice-President Aaron Burr presided over the trial. He did so with such fairness and so correct an adherence to procedure that what began as a political inquest ended as a memorable example of judicial procedure at it's best. Even his critics agreed.

Burr, said one newspaper account: performed his duties "with the dignity and impartiality of an angel, but with the rigour of a devil."

The day after the acquittal of Justice Chase, Burr spoke one last time on the Senate floor. He spoke of the Senate as "a sanctuary; a citadel of law, of order and of liberty...."

He went on to say:

...and if the Constitution be destined ever to perish by the sacrilegious hands of the demagogue or the usurper, which God avert, its expiring agonies will be witnessed on this floor."

We think that day has come and, Burr was correct, those expiring agonies were witnessed on the Senate floor.

I've always held the Senate in much higher regard than any other part of our government. Even after we amended the Constitution to provide for direct election of senators, the Senate, on the whole, seemed a higher caliber than the house.

Sure, there was partisanship and silliness in the Senate years ago, like now. But, I wonder if we'd be in this same situation today if our Senators had names like Humphrey, Mondale, Dirksen, Baker, Ribicoff, Muskie, Hatfield...

Of all the recent failures, I think the Senate's is the greatest. They have stood silent as we head down the path to Empire. Shame on you.

PUZO AND GENIUS

2006-06-01T20:09:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

The Godfather is a brilliant work. I refer to the movie and the book. Most people, men especially, love the film. They quote the film ad nauseum and it has worked it's way into the nation's mythology.

After some thought, I've concluded that the novel, The Godfather, is a true work of genius.

First, let me say that Puzo is not a great wordsmith. He is no Mark Helprin, no Pat Conroy, no Toni Morrison. In fact, his prose is pedestrian, flat, uninspired.

What Puzo does do brilliantly is tell a story. The Godfather is a page-turner, despite its literary shortcomings.

Puzo is able to do what few can: make criminal protagonists sympathetic, even likeable. That's the key to The Godfather. Vito, Sonny, Tessio, Clemenza, Michael....these are bad guys. They earn a living by shaking down others. They steal and they will kill if you don't play along. They are not lovable, bumbling burglars in a comedy. They are brutal, remorseless killers.

In general, audiences like characters they can relate to. They like ordinary people put into extraordinary circumstances and then they like to see how they get out of those circumstances. The group of soldiers in Saving Private Ryan is an example.

So, how does Puzo deal with protagonists that are ruthless killers?

Everyone killed or hurt by Vito or Sonny or Michael is worse than they are.

There's the two college boys that beat up Bonasera's daughter. They are sent to the hospital by some of Vito's thugs. Do we care? Nope. They sent a young girl to the hospital and we could care less that they'll soon follow her.

Jack Woltz, the high-caliber movie producer is a child molester. We don't care that he's intimidated into giving Johnny Fontaine a prized movie role.

Virgil Sollozo is a dope dealer that tries to kill Vito. We don't really care when he and his corrupt cop bodyguard, McClosky, are killed by Michael.

Carlo set up Sonny, his own brother-in-law. We don't lose sleep over that one either.

It may have been obvious to anyone who has read the book or seen the film, but it took me some time to figure this one out. In contrast to their victims, the Corleones come off looking, if not good, not too bad.

Next time, we'll discuss some of the differences between the movie and the novel. There aren't too many, but it's worth a look.

TWO-FRONT WAR

2006-05-22T08:35:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Pentagon officials have secretly told Smorgasblog that morale in the Armed Forces is at an all-time low. "We're just stretched too thin," said one official. "We have too many troops in the field and they have know idea when they might be home. We can't fight a two-front war indefinitely."
This troublesome assessment comes in the wake of America entering another defensive war: The War against Traditional Marriage. According to Senator Bill Frist (R-TN), the attack has already begun:

I basically say, Mr. Vice President, right now marriage is under attack in this country," Frist said on CNN.

However, some military analysts suggest that we don't have the man-power to fight another war.

"We're already bogged down fighting the War against Christmas," said one retired general. "Our troops are tired and our lines are stretched." According to many, soldiers fighting the War against Christmas are not getting enough supplies, including wool socks and egg nog.

The Initial assault on Santa's Workshop - 12/5/05

Most agree that the War against Traditional Marriage will be a different kind of war. "We may have to blockade Reno and Vegas," said one military strategist. "They have to know that we are resolved to end cheap, quickie, divorces, no matter what the toll."

Troops depart to establish beach head in Nevada

BONDS AND STEROIDS

2006-05-14T09:05:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

I've been meaning to write about this issue for awhile. Now, on the eve of Bonds becoming the number two all-time homerun hitter, it seems appropriate.

There are a lot of arguments for and against steroids and the players that use(d) them. Some are practical: competitive athletes look for any edge. Some are technical: Baseball only recently banned the use of steroids. All arguments ring hollow.

That baseball only recently banned the use of steroids is all well and good in defending Bonds, McGwire, Sosa and the rest. Fans have always been enamored of the long ball and it puts people in the seats. But, why didn't they openly discuss the use of steroids before the drug was banned? If there was nothing wrong with it, if it was no different than taking cortisone injections, why the secrecy?

I understand the competitive edge argument. Professional athletes live in a competitive world. They compete with other teams and older athletes compete with younger athletes for a spot on the team. When a ball player turns thirty-five or forty, they start to slow down. Injuries become more prevalent. There's always a blue-chip prospect being talked up, waiting to take over. A DiMaggio hearing about a Mantle. For the older player, seeking any advantage must be tempting.

Still, age and injuries are a natural part of the game. It's part of the natural make-up of talent. Eric Davis was not a great player (I think he was very good when he played) because he might have been great if he wasn't so innury prone.

Steroid use has damaged the game in the same way that the 1919 Black Sox scandal damaged the game. I no longer know if what I watch is real.

I don't know if Bonds would have hit the same number of homeruns without steroids. Perhaps he would have. Perhaps he would be on homerun 622 right now, instead of 713. Maybe steroids add 10% to homerun totals, maybe 25%, maybe 3% I don't know.

This should be an exciting time for true baseball fans. A player is closing in on 'The Record'. The Grand Daddy of all sports records. Yet, I'm underwhelmed and could care less. I don't know what Bonds has achieved through pure athletic training and talent as opposed to drugs. Make all the excuses you want (there are apologists aplenty for Bonds) but there's a gut feeling among many fans that Bonds achievement feels false.

Bonds is a great talent. He was a legitimate five-category player. If he stopped playing baseball in the year he began taking steroids, he's a legitimate Hall of Fame candidate. Everything after that? I just don't know. And you know what? That's his problem, not mine. I'm under no obligation to prove that steroids have positively impacted Bonds' numbers.

Steroids and baseball. Forget the technical arguments for or against their use. Just ask yourself, does it feel right? For me, the answer is no.

POLITICAL PR PLOYS

2006-05-05T06:52:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

I found this little nugget in Bill James' Historical Baseball Abstract.

We've all watched politicians carefully select an axe they could grind for some PR play. I t occurs now, it occurred in the 1950's. It probably occurred in the pre-dawn of time (one pictures a Neanderthal leader pushing the death penalty for anyone who falls asleep while watching the sacred fire).

Thus, it's always satisfying when the axe grinder get some egg on his/her face.

In the 1950's, a Congressman published a list of athletes that received 'soft duty' during World War II. Hank Bauer, the Yankee Rightfielder, was on the list (Bauer was a very talented ballplayer).

Only one problem: Bauer, a Marine, took part in the invasion of four islands - New Georgia, Emirau, Okinawa and Guam. He took shrapnel in the back of his leg which could never be removed.

When his error was pointed out, the Congressman (I wish I had his name) said, "I didn't mean Hank Bauer, I meant Hank Sauer." Sauer was a Chicago Cubs outfielder.

Unfortunately, Sauer had also seen combat.

You have to love it.

MOVIE REVIEW

2006-04-29T22:06:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

As a movie fan, nothing gives me greater pleasure than to uncover a great film hidden amongst the crap that fills the local video joint. I discovered one particular movie many years ago and have had the opportunity to see it again recently. I forgot how much I enjoyed it the first time.

I do not recall if this film was any type of a hit in '82 when it first came out. It's a very good film so I'll assume it was a dismal failure at the box office. The film:

My Favorite Year takes place in 1954. The film revolves around a live, Saturday night comedy show modeled on Sid Caesar's Your Show of Shows. In fact, the storyline is based, quite loosely, on the week that Errol Flynn guest-hosted Caesar's show and a young Mel Brooks was assigned to babysit the legendary rake.

In this version, Peter O'Toole plays the Flynnesque Alan Swann. O'Toole does a masterful job as Swann and one gets the feeling that he's not acting so much as playing himself. O'Toole's performance earned him a Best Supporting Actor nomination.

In fact, O'Toole steals the show in what was probably designed to be an ensemble effort. The side plot involves a mob-connected union boss trying to shut down the show because of a less than flattering portrayal of the union leader. Joseph Bologna does a great job as King Kaiser (Sid Caesar) and you'll recognize many of the other cast members.

The best scene may be when Benjy Stone (Swann's babysitter) takes the legendary star to Brooklyn for a family dinner.

Like I said, there's a lot of crap out there. It's still worth the time to mine the crap mines because occasionally you'll find a gem like this.

A great nostalgia piece. Stockton gives it **** out of ***** for a comedy.

POLICE LINE-UPS QUESTIONED

2006-04-26T07:20:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

For years, the efficacy of eye-witness testimony in criminal cases has been in doubt. Over time, studies have shown that witnesses to a crime often make unreliable witnesses, especially when picking a perpetrator from a line-up. It is not uncommon for multiple witnesses to choose multiple suspects from the same line-up. Now, studies are casting doubt on other studies, making us all very confused.

The upshot of all this is, eye-witnesses and studies on eye-witnesses are unreliable. Which goes a long way in explaining why Jacob Stoodle,

was arrested for a crime allegedly committed by,

Joshua Rosen (who turned out to have been 2,000 miles away at the time of the incident anyway).

The two now correspond and are good friends.

WHAT I'M DRINKING

2006-04-24T08:20:00.000-04:00

By Tweed

A couple of years ago, I started drinking wine.

Since then, I've lost my job, my wife and home. But, I've learned a few valuable lessons about wine.

The first is: "Trust the foreign alcoholic wine lover across the street."

My Kiwi neighbor is the cause of my serious wine drinking. A self professed wine-nut, my neighbor introduced me to serious wine drinking. I believe the guidance of someone who knows more about wine than you ever will is invaluable. Not that I listen to every word that he says and buy what he buys - but his advice and the knowledge he has imparted to me has been very valuable. It also helps having a drinking buddy.

The second lesson I learned is: "Follow your taste buds, not a name or a price list."

This is a pretty hard one to follow if you really get into the whole wine experience. But trust me on this - this is an important rule (and the wines discussed below demonstrate this point).

The third lesson I learned is: "Use what knowledge you have."

After a few months of serious wine drinking, I met an old friend in New York at a steak house. We perused the wine list, which consisted of bottles ranging in price from $35 to $600 a bottle - yikes. Not wanting to be cheap, but not wanting to get a real clunker, I carefully reviewed the selections a chose a $35 bottle of wine - a 2000 Lalande de Pomeral (can't recall the Chateau - la Fitte or something like that).

It was great - we drank two bottles.

So why the $35 bottle when I was willing to spend up to $100? I knew that 2000 was an outstanding year for Bordeaux - one of the great wine growing regions in France and the area from which I had been buying most of my wine. In addition, the Pomerol region of Bordeaux (a small region of which Lalande de Pomerol is a part) produces some of the finest wine in the world (le Pin, Petrus, Trotanoy).

Now, I've had Pomerols I haven't liked, but this one was great.

I was very proud of myself.

The following are three red Bordeaux's I have on my shelf, waiting to be consumed. I've already had at least one bottle of each (over the past few months, not today):

Moulin de Duhart, 2001: From the Pauillac region of Bordeaux; has some relation to Chateau Duhart-Milon of the Domaines Barons de Rothschild (Lafite). Pauillac is mostly Cabernet Sauvignon and has been described as follows: "If one had to single out one Bordeaux commune to head the list, there would be no argument. It would be Pauillac."

Though not a classified wine (e.g. Grand Crus Class) this wine has some great names associated with it. And 2001 was a pretty good year. I bought this wine because of the name.

I like it, but I'm not thrilled. A little much at $35+ per bottle.

Chateau de Rochemorin, 2000: From the Pessac-Leognan region of Bordeaux; Pessac Leognan is a fairly newly classified region (used to be a part of the Graves) and includes the town of Bordeaux within its borders. 60%-40% Cab. Sauv - Merlot. Made by Andre Lurton.

The Rochemorin is great stuff, and at less than $20 a bottle, a great buy for a wine rated 88 by Wine Spectator.

The Lurtons make outstanding wine, in my experience (Andre, Denis, the whole crew), and it is generally inexpensive by today's standards. If a Lurton has anything to do with it, I'll probably buy it (Fontarnay-Margaux; Barbe-Blanche-St. Emillion are both Lurton family wines I've enjoyed).

Chateau Garraud, 2001: From Lalande de Pomerol; mostly Merlot. Holly Crap this is good stuff. When I first bought this it was $14 per bottle. After Wine Spectator dinged it with a 92 rating, it went up to $28. It is worth it. One of the finest bottles of wine I've had.

This is an Alfio Morriconi selection. As I understand it, Morriconi is a wine buyer (not a spaghetti western director) who has the unpleasant job of finding great wine to import. I've had many Morriconi selections, and I generally like them, and so, generally trend towards his selections.

Cheers.

LIST COMES UNDER SCRUTINY

2006-04-21T06:24:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

The Pentagon has released a list of Guantanamo detainees containing over 500 names. The information comes in response to a Freedom of Information request. However, after reviewing the list, many are skeptical about the sincerity of the government's response.

The following is an excerpt from the newly released document:

I.P Daily;

Hung Real Lo;

Yo Momma Mustapha;

Muhammad Ali;

U.R Afool;

Sirius Black;

Fatwa Albert;

Judge Crater.

Pentagon officials said they would review the list for accuracy. "I.P. Daily might be a typo," said a Pentagon spokesman. "But the rest of the list is fairly accurate. We just water-boarded Mr. Lo yesterday."

SMELLO-VISION HAS RETURNED

2006-04-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Looks like the Japanese have once again taken a giant step in theater technology. Now, not only will you be able to hear and see film, you'll be able to get a few whiffs too.

There are already plans to adopt "Smello-Vision" to American Cinemas. According to insiders, a number of films will be adding a few scents to the theater experience, including:

Spartacus, Cool Hand Luke, most prison movies and Bend Over Babes IX.

Political consultants are looking at adopting the technology for political debates, campaigns and Sunday talk shows. "Wouldn't it be great to get a whiff of Hannity," said one well-known consultant.

Researchers are now working on "Tasto-Vision."

OPERATION FELLATIO READY TO COMMENCE

2006-04-15T20:59:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

According to sources, an anonymous Sioux City, Iowa woman has agreed to perform fellatio on President Bush, thereby guaranteeing that the Republican controlled Congress will begin impeachment proceedings.

"Logically, you'd figure it would have happened by now," said the 27 year-old woman. "After Iraq, Katrina, the spying, the lying, Valerie Plame....do I have to go on? It's time this man was impeached."

The anonymous woman, along with friends, began discussing impeachment one year ago. "Then came the spying," says friend, Alan Mathison. "We thought for sure he'd get impeached. But no."

After exhausting all other options, 'Operation Fellatio' was born. "We know this will work," said Ellen Jankowski, another friend. "There's precedent for fellatio-induced impeachment and we know it's something the GOP can rally around."

"I never thought I'd fellate a president," said the anonymous woman. "And normally I wouldn't, but my country needs me. It's time to my mouth where my money is. Or something like that."

BLOGS IN TIME - Vol. I

2006-04-12T06:12:00.000-04:00

New Revelations Regarding Imperial Reaction to Vesuvius Disaster
December 12, 79 AD

New revelations on the Imperial response to the anger of the God's this last Vulcanalia have given new voice to Senators and survivors critical of Caeser.

Lucius Marcus, an administrator for Seutonius Servidious, Caeser's appointed high priest, revealed yesterday that he and other priests had warned Caeser and Servidius that the God's were angry, and that disaster loomed. In fact, Marcus claimed that a possible eruption of Mt. Vesuvius was specifically discussed during a presentation to Caeser and his staff by Imperial and local priests in early August, just days before the disaster. Such statements directly contradict Caeser's comment shortly after the eruption that "no one thought there would be an eruption."

When the ground began to shake and the water dried-up in and around Pompei, Imperial authorities assured the public that all steps were being taken to adequately appease the Gods. Servidious claimed that "hundreds of lamb, goats and chickens have been sacraficed, and hundreds more are strategically located throughout the area in the event they will be needed." But when disaster struck, many were left without sufficient livestock, and some resorted to sacrificing bugs and plants. "It just didn't work," said Polonius Tuolnius, a local slave trader. "We sacrificed everything that we could, except the slaves, but the Gods were not appeased - hell-fire, ash and brimstone descended upon us! Where were the Imperial Authorities?!"

Imperial reaction to the disaster is widely viewed as having been inadequate in planning and execution. Even several days after the disaster, livestock that could have been sacrificed by local residents had not yet been set in motion from their holding area in Rome. Said one priest mobilized to render assitance during the disaster, "we came to help, but our religious services were hampered by poor logistical planning."

Marcus' comments yesterday place in sharp relief, for some, the degradation in the level of competency from the previous administration to this. Yesterday's revelations also renewed claims by critics that Caeser's plans for reconstruction of Pompei fell short of what was needed. "The aquaduct commission, the vomitorium commission, the legions. . . everyone has been given an assignment, but there are no funds to complete their tasks," claimed Senator Antonium Hervedicus. Others claimed that Imperial reaction was driven in part by prejudice against Campanians.

Senators from the region have requested over $MLLXXVII in reconstruction funding.

WASHINGTON EXTRA

2006-04-10T06:30:00.000-04:00

Your Inside the Beltway Look at the Lives of the Politicos By Headley Tweedley

This Installment. . .

"Dick Hits The D-List"

Dick Cheney, or "Richie" to his close friends, has been on and off Washington's D-List for a long time - ever since he was panned by the critics and audiences alike in his vote against cop-killer bullets back in the 80's. Richie made a run for the A-List in late 80s and early 90s as Senior's confident and competent Defense Secretary. His performance, though dry and lifeless, much like some of his recent hunting companions, earned some critical thumbs-up and general audience approval.

But his run to stardom seemed to come to an end when personally charming, but publicly Mr. Perennially foot-in-mouth, Senior was canceled for the younger and hipper "The Clinton Years."

The intervening years were rewarding for Richie, as he starred in the long-running off-Broadway production of "Haliburton." Mixed reviews, and out of the spotlight, Cheney did his best to avoid the plight of many has-beens; drugs, prostitution, and a permanent fixture at Republican fundraising events.

But Richie stormed back taking a secondary but important role in the development of Junior's big production. Richie had finally made it to lavish A-List parties as he charmed the critics for his performance in the overall poorly received "Vice Presidential Debates." And he was initially hailed in his grey-beard role in Junior's controversial production. Comparisons to the late John Spencer's work in "The West Wing," were on peoples' lips.

But Richie couldn't hold it together and a series of box-office flops,"Energy Policy," "Environmental Rush," and "The Disarmament Game" followed.

Richie made a run at a comeback hit with "Weapons of Mass Destruction," (popularized by bad-boy Osama bin Laden and helped along by the performance of tall, dark and handsome Colin Powell). But the run sputtered out with the release of "The Dictatorship of Saddam Hussein," a dreary tale of a third-rate tyrant which critics called, "derivative of 1930's Europe."

Then came Scooter Libby and Valerie Plame. While only a supporting player in Intimidate, his performance was not well received by the critics.

With ratings lower than Hollywood murderer O.J. Simpson and the last season of "Roseanne," Richie tried to turn things around. Instead, the shot he took at the A-List only resulted in the maiming of a South Texas lawyer.

Richie's controversial PR gimmick was planned to show the humane and sensitive side of Richie, insiders say. Instead, Richie turned in another classic Cheney performance showing a lack of charm and grace some reviewers termed "disgraceful," and to which audiences gave a collective Bronx cheer. The plan was to have Richie shoot a Texas lawyer in the leg, run to his side and "be there for him," showing remorse, sympathy and empathy.

But the role was too much of a stretch for this character actor. Richie instead went with his gut, which has produced some stunning performances for others, such as Al Sharpton in "Who Wants to be President: 2004," and the late Paul Wellstone's "Professor Wellstone goes to Washington." But for Richie, it was like watching John Travolta's "Battlefield Earth" (which had better lighting and makeup, incidentally).

And his gut told him to shoot the lawyer in the face and retire to an undisclosed location.

No one knows what the future holds for Richie but the words "Info-Mercial" certainly come to mind.

PRESIDENTIAL SPACE MISSION

2006-04-06T06:38:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Today, President Bush announced an ambitious plan: to be the first president to visit outer space.

The news came as a shock to many. The President has never shown much interest in NASA or any scientific endeavors.

Why the change? "The President has always been interested in what's out there, in deep space," said Scott McClellan. "It was not one particular thing that interested the President but he now feels compelled to lead the way into deep space."

President Bush contemplating space travel

In unrelated news, scientists have discovered an alcohol cloud 463 million kilometers long in deep space.

Upon his return, the president plans on pursuing his latest hobby, cultivating house plants.

DELAY SHOW TO BE CANCELED

2006-04-05T06:22:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

The Tom Delay Calvacade of Comedy will not return this fall. The star of the show, Texas Representative Tom Delay, announced on Monday that he will not be returning for another season. Delay's show was a centerpiece of the GOP network comedy lineup and will be missed. It is not known who will take Delay's time slot.

Delay's decision not to return to his long-running series comes in the wake of criminal indictments in his home state of Texas. In his statement, Delayed stated that he believed he had a 50-50 shot of winning his time slot this fall but did not want a liberal, democratic show to beat the GOP in the ratings. Therefore, he would step aside for another 'pilot'.

Delay also said that his continuous thoughts of jailhouse sodomy would be a distraction during fall shooting.

Delay has been praised by many for his statesman-like conduct during his tenure in the House, relying on intellectual arguements to win people to his side.

HARRIS TO BE CANCELED?

2006-04-02T14:26:00.000-04:00

By Stockton

Even in the world of entertainment a pretty face and winning personality will only carry you so far. That's the lesson being learned by Katherine Harris.

Harris' bid to take on Florida Senator Bill Nelson (D) is close to being canceled.

"It's a competitive time-slot," said one Harris writer. "Nelson has built an audience and his ratings are solid."

In 2000, Harris had success in a riveting mini-series playing the Florida Secretary of State. Her ratings were high for a very short time but she seems unable to transfer her success to other projects.

Now, less than 6 years after her big premiere, the new Kathleen Harris Show may be canceled before it even debuts for the Fall season.

THE WAR ON EASTER

2006-03-30T06:47:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

St. Paul City Office Boots Easter Bunny

Thu Mar 23, 9:31 AM ET ST. PAUL, Minn. - The Easter Bunny has been sent packing at St. Paul City Hall.

A toy rabbit, pastel-colored eggs and a sign with the words "Happy Easter" were removed from the lobby of the City Council offices, because of concerns they might offend non-Christians. A council secretary had put up the decorations. They were not bought with city money.

St. Paul's human rights director, Tyrone Terrill, asked that the decorations be removed, saying they could be offensive to non-Christians.

But City Council member Dave Thune says removing the decorations went too far, and he wonders why they can't celebrate spring with "bunnies and fake grass."

Given the serious nature of this dispute, Smorgasblog convened a Round Table of Experts to discuss the matter. Please welcome Rabbi Benjamin Rosenstein (of the Jewish Religion), City Councilman Dave Thune (of St. Paul) and Cindy Martin (of the Association against Juvenile Diabetes).

SmorgasBlog: Was the placement of the decorations, in the lobby, the significant factor here? Wasn't that promoting religion? In particular, Christianity?

Rabbi Rosenstein: The placement of the decoration did not offend me. What offended me was a clear violation of the 1st Amendment. It's not about offending anyone, it's about the law. And, it's about fake grass. Bunnies per se, are not offensive.

SB: Speaking of fake grass, we once bought a dime bag of oregano.....

Thune: Nonsense. I don't know what kind of Rabbi you are, but you're certainly no Christian. This is secular stuff. It's Spring, who doesn't think about warm, fuzzy Rabbits and fake grass? It's not christian. Some jews even celebrate Easter.

RR: Jews....Easter....

Cindy Martin: I'm more concerned about the signal this sends to kids. Eat all the candy you want, just gorge yourselves and worry about cavities and diabetes later.

Thune: Are you saying Christians are for diabetes and cavities?

RR: Oy

CM: Of course not.

Thune: Were you even born here?

CM: My dentist is Christian, or at least I think so. He hands out chocolate crucifixes every Easter.

SB: Is it crucifixes or crucifixi?

Thune: There you go again. You and all the other secular humanists. Nail a guy to a Cross and you automatically think about Christ. It could be any guy nailed to a cross.You wouldn't mind if it was pagan decorations.

RR: Actually, the Bunny and Egg motif goes back to the Ancient Egyptians. Both items symbolize fertility which was associated with Spring.

SB: Hence the term, fucking like Bunnies?

RR: Exactly!

SB: And the grass?

RR: Usually smoked before sex, to lower inhibitions.

Thune: This is the media's fault!

WHACKING PEOPLE - DEMOCRACY STYLE

2006-03-28T06:44:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Afghans Protest Decision on Christian

KABUL, Afghanistan - Hundreds of people protested in
Afghanistan on Monday against a court's decision to drop a case against a man who converted from Islam to Christianity, while an official said discussions were underway to determine when he would be released.

Officials said the case was dropped Sunday partially because of concerns that Abdul Rahman is mentally unfit to face trial. The move also followed strong pressure from Western governments.

"Clearly," said one Afghani official, "Mr. Rahman is crazy. By converting to Christianity, he has given up all the good holidays. We do not get one Christian holiday off from work. That's a deranged man."

Moderates have also joined in the debate, calling "beheading" cruel and inhuman punishment for a convert. They see lethal injection as far more in line with the western-style Democracy that the Bush administration has been trying to build. "If it's good enough for Texas, it's good enough for Kabul," said one moderate.

Traditionalists call for a good, old-fashioned stoning.

"We've lost the old ways," said Ifn Abzid. "When I was a child, a stoning brought the whole community together. Now, with beheadings, torture, Jihads and the kid's soccer practice, you never have time to get together with your neighbors."

AMAZING FIND

2006-03-24T06:31:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Ancient Sarcophagus Unearthed in Cyprus

NICOSIA, Cyprus - A 2,500-year-old sarcophagus with vivid color illustrations from Homer's epics has been discovered in western Cyprus, archaeologists said Monday.

Construction workers found the limestone sarcophagus last week in a tomb near the village of Kouklia, in the coastal Paphos area. The tomb, which probably belonged to an ancient warrior, had been looted during antiquity.

In addition to the Homeric figures carved into the sarcophagus, archaeologists made another startling discovery.

"It was quite something," said Tabir Pstoulis. "We're not sure what it is and it might take years to fully understand it's significance."

Pstoulis refers to what was found in the lower right corner of the sarcophagus:

An enlarged view of the enigma:

A team of American archaeologists have been dispatched to aid in deciphering what, according to Pstoulis, "may very well be a whole new hieroglyphic system."

HUMANS TO BLAME FOR EXTINCTION LEVELS

2006-03-22T06:39:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Humans are responsible for the worst spate of extinctions since the dinosaurs and must make unprecedented extra efforts to reach a goal of slowing losses by 2010, a U.N. report said on Monday.

Habitats ranging from coral reefs to tropical rainforests face mounting threats, the Secretariat of the U.N. Convention on Biological Diversity said in the report, issued at the start of a March 20-31 U.N. meeting in Curitiba, Brazil.

"In effect, we are currently responsible for the sixth major extinction event in the history of earth, and the greatest since the dinosaurs disappeared, 65 million years ago," said the 92-page Global Biodiversity Outlook 2 report.

The report not only concluded that humans were responsible for the sixth major extinction event in history, investigators were also able to pin-point the human most responsible.

Meet Frank Portelli.

Mr. Frank Portelli
Frank Portelli is an accountant living in the Columbus, Ohio area.

"When the U.N. people showed up at my door, I was shocked," said a devastated Portelli. "I had no idea. Really. I try and be a good citizen, I've never been arrested. I don't even smoke. I mean, sometimes I don't recycle, but most of the time I do."

In order to avoid a U.N. resolution condemning him, Portelli has reached an agreement with the United Nations that includes random inspections.

"I even bike to work now," said Portelli, "even though it's an hour commute by car."

In an unguarded moment, Portelli admitted that he would not mind if his neighbor's dog, a German Shepherd named Nero, became extinct. "I hate that fucking dog!"

BUSH ADMINISTRATION REACTS SWIFTLY TO NATIONAL DISASTER

2006-03-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

Australia Starts Cleanup After Big Cyclone
By MERAIAH FOLEY, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 1 minute ago
CAIRNS, Australia - Metal roofs littered streets, wooden houses lay in splinters and banana plantations were stripped bare after the most powerful cyclone to hit Australia in three decades lashed the country's eastern coast Monday.
Amazingly, the storm caused no reported fatalities, and only 30 people suffered minor injuries. But the damage from Cyclone Larry, a Category 5 storm with winds up to 180 mph, was expected to run into the hundreds of millions of dollars.
Hardest hit was Innisfail, a farming city of 8,500 people 60 miles south of the tourist city of Cairns in northeastern Queensland state. By Tuesday the storm was well inland and downgraded to a severe low pressure system.
"It looks like an atomic bomb hit the place," Innisfail mayor Neil Clarke told Australian television. "It is severe damage. This is more than a local disaster, this is a national disaster."

In related news, the mayor of Salzburg, Heinz Schaden called on Austrian authorities for aid to assist in returning U.S. FEMA officials to the United States. "They came," the Mayor commented without an interpreter, "to assist us in our clean-up efforts after the hurricane. I told them, when I saw them, that we had no storm, but they insisted on giving me bottled water and a debit card with five thousand US dollars on the balance. Then they picked up our garbage, which angered our sanitation engineers."

The Remains of Salzburg After the Devastating Cyclone

Michael Chertoff, head of the US Department of Homeland Security, insisted that his department and the Federal Emergency Management Agency had reacted correctly to the crisis in Australia. "It is that agency's duty to respond to an emergency, quickly and efficiently, and that's what they did - but we, and they, need the cooperation of the local populace to get their job done."

The Austrian ambassador to the United States met with President Bush earlier today. The President commented afterwards that he and the Ambassador had "a good, frank talk," about the U.S. efforts. "I told em'," said the President, "that we had assets to deploy. . . good assets, and people are just going to give their all out there because we're all descenders from England."

END OF THE END OF MAJOR OPERATIONS

2006-03-20T06:26:00.000-05:00

With the start of "Operation deja vu" the Bush Administration has announced an "End to the end of Major Operations in Iraq."

Operation deja vu began last week. It's principle objective is to rid Northern Iraq of insurgents and to "tidy-up" the area to increase property values.

Despite the operation, the Bush Administration does not believe Iraq has plunged into civil war.

"It's not a civil war, definitely not," said a Bush spokesperson. "It's more like rival factions fighting to determine who will rule the country."

The President also celebrated the 3rd Anniversary of the overthrow of the Iraqi dictatorship with an address. The President did not use the term 'War' and instead referred to the Iraq invasion as "This thing of ours."

The Vice-President also discussed "This thing of ours" on the Sunday talk shows.

On Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney did not express any regret for predicting in the days before the invasion that U.S. troops would be greeted as liberators or his assessment 10 months ago that the insurgency was in its "last throes." On the contrary, he said the optimistic statements "were basically accurate, reflect reality."

After the interview, the Vice-President was seen chasing a white rabbit. The rabbit held a pocket-watch and was heard to repeatedly say, "I'm late, I'm late..."

In other news, Vice-President Cheney downplayed rumors of a major shake-up in the administration. Washington insiders have even put the Vice-President on the list of administration officials that may be gone by the end of the year.

Sources close to Smorgasblog have learned that Vice-President Cheney may very well be gone next year, but not without a job. According to an anonymous source, Vice-President Cheney may be moving to academia, to become the new head of Slytherin House at Hogwarts.

The Vice-President is known to be close to Lucias Malfoy, a prominent Hogwart's graduate. Malfoy is lobbying to get the VP the prestigious position. In addition to heading Slytherin House, Cheney will teach, "How to invade a Middle-Eastern country on $12 million a day."

HAVE SOME PI

2006-03-17T06:02:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

SALEM, Va. - A high school student Tuesday recited 8,784 digits of Pi — the non-repeating and non-terminating decimal — likely placing him among the top Pi-reciters in the world.

Gaurav Rajav, 15, had hoped to recite 10,790 digits and set a new record in the United States and North America. But he remembered enough to potentially place third in national and North American Pi recitation and 12th in the world.

Rajav says that the Pi-Recitation was just a warm-up for his next challenge: an attempt to recite each and every reason the Bush Administration used for the Iraq War.

Vietnam War Deserter Arrested 38 Years On

Julian Borger in WashingtonTuesday March 14, 2006

A man was being held in a US military prison yesterday for deserting from the marines 38 years ago after being caught on the American-Canadian border amid a new drive to track down Vietnam-era deserters.

The new drive was implemented when a drive to track down Vietnam-era men that used family connections to get into National Guard Units was scrapped.

INFLATION, ALL AROUND US

2006-03-16T22:54:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

Evidence for Universe Expansion Found
By MATT CRENSON, AP National Writer

Physicists announced Thursday that they now have the smoking gun that shows the universe went through extremely rapid expansion in the moments after the big bang, growing from the size of a marble to a volume larger than all of observable space in less than a trillion-trillionth of a second. The discovery — which involves an analysis of variations in the brightness of microwave radiation — is the first direct evidence to support the two-decade-old theory that the universe went through what is called inflation.

Reaction was mixed around the country.

Members of the Bush cabinet and Republican leaders quickly went on the offensive on hearing the news blaming the universe inflation on the tax and spend policies of liberal Democratic administrations and congresses. "Why is it that the country and the universe have suffered from crippling inflation?" Ohio Congressman Bob "Freedom Fries" Ney rhetorically asked a press gathering. "I'll tell you why - its those greedy liberals who think they know how best to spend your money and how big the government and universe should be!"

Decrying the enlargement of existence as not a part of God's plan, Pat Robertson warned the people of the world that unless we did something about the inflation of the universe, God would exact revenge on the earth, by making our sun explode in about 5 billion years.

Word on the street was more speculative.

"That makes sense," remarked Tony Abruzzio, a cigarette store clerk in Yonkers, NY, "cause in Men in Black, that cat had a universe around it neck on a chain, and that thing couldn't a'bin more than a marble, but I don't remember it inflatin or nothin - weird."

"I wonder if that's the same thing that happened to my wife's ass?" was the reaction of David Gersten, a construction worker in Chicago, IL.

BISHOPS RELAX LENT RULES

2006-03-15T20:55:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

In observance of the Catholic Church's most holy day, Bishops have waived the "no meat on Friday" rule for this coming Friday. The occasion? Saint Patrick's Day. After an exhaustive survey, the Bishops determined that corned beef absorbs alcohol faster than any other man-cured product.

The rule banning alter boys on Friday's has not been waived.

STEROID SCANDAL GROWS

2006-03-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

If you thought only professional and would-be professional athletes took "performance enhancing" drugs, think again. Now, the scandal has spread to our household pets.

In an experiment with teenage hamsters given anabolic steroids, scientists found that the animals continued to chase and bite their brethren for days during withdrawal from the muscle-building hormones.

"You don't understand the pressure," said Nibbles, a teenage hamster. "My family isn't wealthy and I need a scholarship if I want to make something of myself."

Nibbles used steroids in order to gain an edge in the "Wheel" finals. "You try going around and around and around and around in that damn thing," said a frustrated and ornary Nibbles. "It's my dad! He pushes me. He wants me to be a winner and he's already pissed-off that I ate my brother and sister."

What does the future hold for Nibbles?

DUDE, WHERE'S MY BLOG

2006-03-13T20:58:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Have you seen this article?

How about this one?

And I just remembered this one.

ARE THE STUPID ABANDONING BUSH?

2006-03-13T06:01:00.000-05:00

By Editors

A day without political polling is like a day without a colonoscopy! - Stockton.

So much polling lately, on Iraq, on Bush, on Barry Bonds. What neophytes fail to understand is that one must look behind the numbers, or up the skirt of the numbers, to get a truly accurate picture of America's mood.

It's not enough to say that 40% of Americans believe that our first "CEO President" is a competent manager. Competence means different things to different people. What is telling is that those same 40% also believe that Eight-Track tapes are "making a comeback."

Did you know that nearly 60% of Americans believe that Iraq will have their own Civil War? Of course you did. But, did you also know that more than half of that 60% believe the South will win this time?

Did you know that 37% of Americans approve of Bush's job performance? Probably. That's not news. What you probably missed is the fact that, by definition, half of America is of below-average intelligence. What does that mean? Nearly 13% of people with a below-average intelligence now think Bush is doing a poor job. That's a significant amount of his supporters and probably the constituency that put him over the top in both 2000 and 2004. In short, the stupid are abandoning the President. George W. Bush cannot afford to lose his base, but it looks like that is happening.

THE AMERICAN

2006-03-10T06:40:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

It may be the most ambiguous scene ever filmed. It is assuredly one of the most ambiguous scenes ever filmed.

A mother stands at the window of a Colorado cabin/boarding house and watches her young son play in the snow.* We see the interior of the home. A disheveled man, the father, is present, as is the figure of Thatcher, dressed like an exile from a Dickens movie.The father does not understand why his son can't stay and be raised in Colorado. The mother (Agnes Moorehead of Bewitched fame) proceeds to sign her child away to Thatcher and his Chicago bank, who will now be the child's guardian. You see, the mother has inherited a gold mine and does not wants her son raised in Colorado.

Thatcher is anxious to leave. The mother tells him she's had the child's trunk packed for a week. She doesn't cry. Perhaps she chokes-up. It's difficult to say.

When Charles is told about Chicago and Thatcher, he attacks the banker. The father is about to punish the boy when the mother tells us that she doesn't want the father to raise the boy.The boy will be raised far away, where the father can't get at him.

Charles Foster Kane is sent to Chicago to be raised, educated and to be far away from his abusive father. It's all clean and neat. Except....

Except when you watch the scene, there's a nagging doubt. Is the mother selling her son?

Something is wrong. She has had his trunk packed for a week when most mother's would put off such a trying task. She is cold, this Mrs. Kane. We wonder why she doesn't go with Charles. She is certainly wealthy enough to set-up home anywhere (she was left the gold mine, not her husband)Why isn't that possible? No one ever says.

The "abusive" father is far less threatening than the wife's cryptic comments suggest. He's clearly the weaker partner in this marriage and meekly succumbs when castigated by Mrs. Kane. His threat to punish Charles for attacking Thatcher is not outrageous, not for 1865 Colorado nor for audiences in 1941. He calls his son "Charlie", a far more endearing name than the cold "Charles" used by the mother in her icy tones. Mr. Kane wants "Charlie" to stay. He wants to raise "Charlie" while it is the mother's decision to exile "Charles" from the family.

Mrs. Kane packed the boy's trunk early: because she wanted to complete a painful task? Because it simply needed to be done? She doesn't cry but almost does. She doesn't say she'll go with him, even though the boy asks if she'll be traveling with him. She doesn't say there will be visits. We know there will be none.

The boy has been orphaned by one quick signature. He becomes Charles Foster Kane, who will later destroy every relationship he ever has. This is the key moment in one of the greatest movies ever produced.

There are other moments in Citizen Kane, many actually, that combine to make the film a classic in every sense of the word. I'll be discussing those scenes, the film and it's enigmatic director and star periodically.

If you enjoy movies, I hope you enjoy these posts.

*If you do not listen closely, it's easily missed. As young Charles Kane throws snowballs he shouts, "the Union forever!" The character is obviously referencing the Civil War. The writers, on the other hand, were probably enjoying a dig at corporate America.

CHRIST TOWN

2006-03-09T06:50:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

Just take a left at Immaculate Conception Boulevard.

NAPLES, Florida (AP) -- If Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan has his way, a new town being built in Florida will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control

The pizza magnate is bankrolling the project with at least $250 million and calls it "God's will."
Civil libertarians say the plan is unconstitutional and are threatening to sue.
The town of Ave Maria is being constructed around Ave Maria University, the first Catholic university to be built in the United States in about 40 years. Both are set to open next year about 25 miles east of Naples in southwestern Florida.

The town and the university, developed in partnership with the Barron Collier Co., an agricultural and real estate business, will be set on 5,000 acres with a European-inspired town center, a massive church and what planners call the largest crucifix in the nation, at nearly 65 feet tall. Monaghan envisions 11,000 homes and 20,000 residents.

During a speech last year at a Catholic men's gathering in Boston, Monaghan said that in his community, stores will not sell pornographic magazines, pharmacies will not carry condoms or birth control pills, and cable television will have no X-rated channels.

Monaghan guarantees that any Sacrament will be delivered in under 30 minutes or it's free, along with a free order of Crazy Wafers.

In other news, it's nice to see that in some parts of this country it's still the America I love.

THE RUMORS ARE TRUE

2006-03-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

By the Editors

Yes, the rumors are true. Stockton and Tweed have decided to return in this critical time because we are desperately needed.

We're going to try something a bit different with Smorgasblog. In addition to our passion for the irreverent, we'll be trying our hand at a wide-range of topics, including cultural issues, religion, books, entertainment and origami. Hence the name, Smorgasblog.*

Please bare with us as we get our get our feet wet again in this crazy world of blogging.

* Smorgasblog is Swedish for "a wide-range of topics, including cultural issues, religion, books, entertainment and origami."

KATRINA VIDEO MISHAP

2006-03-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

President Bush's Nielsen Ratings have plummeted since the release of "Katrina - Uncensored." In the aftermath of the devastating hurricane, Bush insisted that the Federal Government had no notice of the dangers posed to the New Orleans levees.

A recently issued video seems to show that Bush was warned of the impending disaster - or does it? Context is everything.

According to sources close to the West Wing, President Bush was not really listening to the briefing. "He does that a lot," said Scott McClellan, Bush's Press Secretary. "It's not that he's disengaged, it's just that he has a lot on his mind." McClellan was quick to point out, "There's a big difference between lying - which is the partisan take around here - and not caring. Clearly, the President is not a liar."

One junior FEMA official paints are more disturbing picture.

"I'm sitting there and just happen to be near the President. Someone's going on and on and on about the impending catastrophe and the President, he's nodding, looking really serious. I thought to myself, this is a man that gets it. Then he turns to me....me....just a lowly FEMA guy. The President looks at me and says, 'One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!' He beat me two out of three times."

AMERICAN ME

2006-03-05T15:58:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

I just finished a very entertaining book called "The Island at the Center of the World," by Russell Shorto. It's about New Netherland, the Dutch colony that spanned from modern-day Connecticut to Delaware. But primarily, the book is about what is now New York City and the Hudson Valley. The central thesis of the book is that New Netherland's contribution to the history of New York and the United States has been overlooked. The author finds in the early Dutch colony some of the basic principles that are hallmarks of Americanism - religious toleration, free trade and a citizenry that demands respect for its rights. Also, cole slaw.

Finishing the book, I am brimming with pride, for. . . yes. . . believe it or not, Tweed is Dutch (and I have the wooden shoes to prove it).

Well, not quite. My (real) name is Dutch, but I'm not really sure how much Dutch blood runs through my veins.

The Tweeds are thick in Hudson River valley - particularly in Ulster and Greene Counties, but also in the Albany area and Westchester. Tweeds have served in the US military as far back as the battle of Saratoga - and Tweeds served the colonies earlier as well.

So is this why I am proud?

Nope.

My grandmother is a Horton - a Brit. The Hortons set foot on Long Island is 1686 (or 1683), and have prospered ever since. The Hortons have done well in America, and have attained positions of stature in society.

But it's not my Horton ancestry that makes me proud.

My other grandmother is a Borelli, second generation Italian. What is more American than being Italian? Not much. Italian food and culture, particularly in New York, is rich and thriving. And me and Italian food are inseparable.

So what could be more American than my Dutch/English/Italian ancestry?

How about my grandfather - a Benson. His people, Vermonters, were sod-busters and tried their hand in the Dakotas with government assistance under the Homestead Act. On that side, I've got Scandanavian, Native American, central European and a Smorgasblog of other races and nationalities.

In short, my blood is teeming with the huddled, unwanted masses of the world.

Could make a man proud - particularly because I have yet to find a speck of Irish blood in my line.

But it doesn't.

My ancestry is of interest to me, but it doesn't make me feel any better than anyone else - except Stockton, who's composed of that awful mixture - Anglo/Italian.

I am proud because I have taken the opportunity created for me by my ancestors and all the others who have come before me and created something for myself. I am proud of my own accomplishments (including the ability to work collaboratively with Stockton, a man of dubious breeding). We owe it, those of us whose families stretch back hundreds or thousands of years on this Continent as well as those who arrived yesterday, to excel.

New York state has the best motto of any state because it is of limitless application: Excelsior - ever upward.

PORT DEAL RUNS INTO SNAGS

2006-03-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

By Stockton

The deal to turn over management responsibilities for six major U.S. ports to the Dubia-based company DP World has run into another snag. The deal already faces stiff opposition by both parties in Congress. However, that may not be the major snag for the Bush Administration and the United Arab Emirate Company.

Now, several well-known "port experts" are criticizing the deal, intimating that despite the President's resolve, the deal will likely collapse.

One expert, who wishes to remain anonymous, has more than thirty years experience in managing eastern-seaboard ports.

"DP World comes to me for finance and security," said the expert. "They offer me 50% of the profits. They even say that the Tartaglia Family will guareentee my investment. But I must say no. It doesn't matter to me what a man does for a living but this port deal is a dangerous business. But, since my interests don't conflict with DP World's, I wished them well."

Port Expert wishes DP World success

Another port expert had a less congenial response to the deal.

"Who the fuck is DP World," said the expert, upon hearing of the deal. "I don't give a fuck if the President signed off on this! No fucking towel-head is stepping foot into any port unless they get the OK from me."

DP World may not be welcome in every port
The White House could not be reached for comment.

THE MUSLIM WORLD AND JESSICA SIMPSON

2006-03-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

By Tweed

Ever notice what happens when some rube becomes famous, thrown into the spotlight and made the center of pop culture?

They show their true colors: they indulge every fantasy every adolescent girl from the heartland has; they wear trashy clothes; show-off their T&A; and generally act like idiots. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

How about when some cultist makes it big. He's out there letting it all hang out - and gives cults a bad name.

Which is pretty much what the Muslem world has done since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Up until Osama bin Laden and all those evildoers actually succeeded in striking US soil with a terrorist attacks, Islam has been on the red carpet. But, not unlike Tom Cruise after his recent public displays of Scientologyisms, the Islamic world has behaved like an idiot.

Unknown Egyptian Protesting Image of the Prophet

Remember when Nick whatshisface and Jessica Simpson decided to video their wedding and life for the audience? Or when Tom Cruise nearly attacked Oprah when professing his . . . something on her show?

How different is that, really, from Muslims burning a Danish flag to protest a cartoon?

Scientologists Protesting Travolta's "Battlefield Earth"

I think the western world would do well to keep in mind that the Muslim world is fairly new to this whole "modern world" and "civilization" thing. These are people who live and die by their passionate religious faith, much in the same way Britney Spears lives and dies by glitter make-up. They are new to this thing of ours. They do not have civil society. They have not seen the benfits of tolerance, of a distinction between public and private society, or of a bit of humility. For them their religious society is all there is.

State Department Educational Skit

So, the next time there are riots in Iran because of some off-hand slight of the prophet, just remember Nick and Jessica.